The Bearded Man Celebrates NPS centennial at stop #58 - Isle Royale National Park

August 25, 2016. As The Bearded Man stepped off the Voyageur II transportation ferry and walked toward the Windigo Visitor Center on the southwestern corner of Isle Royale, he felt the weight of his journey. Fifty eight National Parks in a little less than three months. A remarkable accomplishment. "The experience of a lifetime. So many beautiful parks, so many gracious and warm people along the way", he says before sitting down. "I think of all the nights spent under a blanket of stars, the sounds of nature my lullaby. I remember every stop and every meal. Some of those meals still remember me".

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Moon on Isle Royal. Seriously, the moon actually sits on Isle Royal.

Isle Royale sits in the cold northern waters of Lake Superior, just south of the Canadian border. The National Park consists of 45 small islands and the larger Isle Royale. At 45 miles in length and 9 miles in width, it is the largest island in Lake Superior and the second largest in the Great Lakes, after Manitoulin Island. Given to the United States by Britain in 1783, the Ojibwa peoples considered the island their home until 1844. Shortly afterward, copper veins were discovered, logging began and both continued for almost 100 years, until the island was made a National Park in 1940. Since logging ceased, the forests have returned to their former magnificence, even as traces of the mining past can be found all around the island.

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Shanties on Isle Royal before becoming a National Park. The second shanty on the left was rumored to be the summer home of notoriously reclusive Dales Snoots, at the time the only man to have an IQ over 195. He went on to invent the steam powered toothbrush. 

The National Park Service brochure describes Isle Royale perfectly. "A warm breeze blows through the maples and birches, a splash echoes across the water as a cow moose wades into the protected harbor, an osprey circles overhead. This is the edge of Wilderness". As The Bearded Man stuffed the brochure into his backpack and set up his tent at Windigo Campground, he muttered, "perfect". After a quick meal of gorp and water, The Bearded Man set off on the 9.4 mile Huginnin Cove Loop. "My last hike of the trip. I'm kinda sad". We love this big lug. 

Either a moose forgot to put on his rack before heading out the door, or that is one short moose under those leaves.

The Huginnin Cove Loop leads The Bearded Man along several ridge-lines and through wetlands, while offering beautiful views of Lake Superior and Canada in the distance. At the trail junction beyond the bridge over Washington Creek, the remnants of a historic mine exploration site are clearly visible. As the trail winds upward, beaver ponds and rocky beaches below provide amble evidence of the glory and power of mother nature's gifts and TBM stops to have a bite of his PB&J and take in the view. "Look at that majestic view. Not a human in sight. Even after all I've seen, it still takes my breath away". And with that thought tumbling across his mind, he promptly fell asleep and disturbed his friend Mother Nature with his snoring for the next hour.

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This is what The Bearded Man saw when he woke up from his nap. He left a Snickers bar for them to share.

As with all National Parks, the rangers of Isle Royale are the backbone and glue of the park. "I wanted a ranger led program to be the last thing I did on this trip. I wish I could say thank you to all of the rangers that have guided and educated me at each park. I admire the work they do and quite frankly am jealous as hell of many of them. You know who you are ranger Bob in Yellowstone. And ranger Lin of Grand Canyon". So as the sun began to drift down behind the mighty pines, The Bearded Man sat quietly and listened as ranger Charlie eloquently spoke about the cultural and historical uniqueness of the island, his words gliding over the grass and rough wooden benches where only a few sat. "And we would like to thank The Bearded Man for spending The National Park Service's 100th birthday with us. We trust you've enjoyed our park and we look forward to seeing you again in the near future". The few people present clapped in soft appreciative agreement as The Bearded Man rose, nodded and wiped a tear.

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An Isle Royal National Park sunset. 

Tomorrow, The Bearded Man heads back to the mainland. His plan is to take several days driving from Thunder Bay, across the Canadian northern shore of Lake Superior, catch I-75 south and wind down to Detroit. He has a few buddies that live just north of the city and on September 1st they have a flight booked to the island of St. John to visit Virgin Islands National Park. "You didn't really think I was going to leave our 59th National Park off my itinerary did you? I still love you dear reader. Stay golden Pony Boy".

The Bearded Man Visits Yosemite

Fresh from his 2 AM in-bed feast, The Bearded Man rose early. His 3 1/2 hour drive west on Route 180 and then north on Route 41 was non-stop. At 9:30 AM, he rolled up to the newly renamed Majestic Yosemite Hotel, formerly the Ahwahnee Hotel ("should have kept the name"), fresh as a daisy, but in need of a cup of coffee and an egg or three. After entrusting the van to yet another young valet - "Remember my face," TBM walked to the dining room and ordered breakfast. With towering 34-foot high ceilings, enormous pine trestles and granite pillars, he found it difficult to concentrate on his eggs. "Paddy's Diner it ain't."     

Part of the fun of touring the National Parks are the various accommodations. You get to experience some of the best wilderness campgrounds in America, while also enjoying many of the countries finest lodges. Located in the majestic, jaw-dropping main valley inside Yosemite Park near the base of Half Dome and Glacier Point, the Majestic Yosemite Hotel is one of those places that you will remember fondly for the rest of your life. Built in 1927, it is a National Historical Landmark and one of the most distinctive resort hotels in North America. With it's striking granite facade, magnificent log-beamed ceilings, massive stone hearths, richly colored Native American artwork and finely appointed rooms, it is the finest lodging in Yosemite, or perhaps any of the National Parks. Editors Note to the casual: "For dinner, we require gentlemen to wear long pants and a shirt with a collar, and ask that women wear a dress, skirt, or long pants with a blouse. Please refrain from wearing shorts, T-shirts, tank tops, flip-flops, and baseball caps. Children over the age of four are asked to dress for the occasion as well. Breakfast, brunch, and lunch are always casual." Hey, starting at $420 a night, they don't get a lot of riff-raff in the place. As for The Bearded Man, he never travels without a blue blazer. "It's what real men do." I think that last comment was directed at me. 

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One of the many soaring public places at The Majestic Yosemite Hotel. The Bearded Man has started a petition to return the hotel to its original name of Ahwahnee, an Indian word for "deep, grassy valley where no tie is required.". 

The Bearded Man has a busy day. There are so many spectacular sights to see in Yosemite, wasting time is not an option. His plan, after walking over to the visitor’s center to do a quick sanity check, is to use the ranger guided tour to see Bridalveil Fall, Yosemite Falls, El Capitan, Half Dome, Cathedral Rocks/Spires, Three Brothers, North Dome, and Tunnel View. After a late lunch, hike Cook's Meadow Loop, take in an early dinner, before heading up to Glacier Point and finishing the day with a memorable sunset and stargazing. “Ambitious but doable.” 

Yosemite is home to countless waterfalls. Bridalveil, Wapama, Sentinel, Horsetail, Ribbon, Nevada and Vernal just to name a few of the tallest. But Yosemite Falls, one of the world's tallest, is something you can't miss. Made up of three separate falls: Upper Yosemite Fall (1,430 feet), the middle cascades (675 feet), and Lower Yosemite Fall (320 feet), it cascades some 2,425 feet over a soaring rock wall. The Bearded Man had to get a bit closer and walked the one mile loop to the base of the falls, where he was bathed in a cool mist. "I wish I had known they had outdoor showers here. It would have saved me 15 minutes this morning." Considering most of his morning showers are at least thirty minutes, we began wondering which part of the shower would he eliminate? Then we caught ourselves and it made us kind of nauseous.

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A view from the trail approaching Yosemite Falls. Home of The Bearded Man's accidental shower and subsequent 'But I was just toweling off, Officer' incident. 

Over eons, rivers and glaciers somehow carved 3,000 feet into solid granite to create Yosemite Valley. The nuances of the Valley form spectacular rock formations, for which Yosemite Valley is famous. El Capitan, rises over 3,500 feet above the floor of Yosemite Valley, and serves as a beacon for the best rock climbers from around the world. Half Dome is perhaps the most recognized symbol of Yosemite. Known for its sheer magnitude—a smooth granite wall rising nearly a mile above the valley, it is one of the most sought-out landmarks in Yosemite. In the mid 1860’s, it was deemed “inaccessible” and thought to be impossible to climb. But a decade later, mountaineer George Anderson had summited the peak. The Bearded Man stood silent the first time he saw Half Dome. He later said it was "one of the most intimidating pieces of nature," he has ever seen. "Even more than my mother at 9 AM on a Sunday morning." We didn't ask. 

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A tunnel view of Yosemite Valley, with Half Dome in the distance. The waterfall on the right is over 2,500 feet tall. The fog along the bottom of the valley was created by the National Park Service for ambiance. 

 It is virtually impossible to visit Yosemite and not feel the influence of photographer Ansel Adams, who produced images of Yosemite that are all but ingrained in our national psyche. His 1927, startling image of a Yosemite landmark, shot in fading light with a red filter, "Monolith, the Face of Half Dome" yielded an image that was almost surreal. His influence on creating awareness of the park ran so deep that shortly after his death in 1984, the Minarets Wilderness south of Yosemite National Park was renamed the Ansel Adams Wilderness in his honor. The following year an 11,760-foot peak on the edge of Yosemite was named Mount Ansel Adams. But perhaps the most fitting honor was given by his friend, President Jimmy Carter, in 1980 when Adams received the Presidential Medal of Freedom: "Drawn to the beauty of nature's monuments, he is regarded by environmentalists as a monument himself, and by photographers as a national institution. It is through his foresight and fortitude that so much of America has been saved for future Americans." Just as the images of nature he captured, Ansel Adams was a giant among men.

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Ansel Adams and his famous box camera in Yosemite. Adams is also credited with developing the first Google mapping vehicle. Unfortunately he fell off approximately every half mile or so and the whole endeavor was scrapped. "Worst idea ever," said Adams.

The Cooks Meadow Loop is only about a mile hike, but offers stunning alternate views of many of the sights that The Bearded Man saw on the ranger guided tour. Yosemite Falls, Half Dome, Sentinel Rock, and Royal Arches are all on display as he casually strolls through the large open meadow. There is another reason TBM has chosen to hike this loop however. The Western Azelea is a flowering shrub that produces some of Yosemite's most spectacular and aromatic wildflower displays. The flowers are large and plentiful, with a strong, sweet scent that few people - including our friend The Bearded Man - can resist. Plowing his nose into flower after flower, he looks like a crazed man-bee, trying in vain to pollinate. If a psychiatrist was watching, his trip may have been slightly redirected to the local, 'now, now, just relax and slip your arms into this lovely white jacket' facility. Fortunately the only two who observed his behavior were Billie and Bunny Bowers from Ampersand, New Mexico who found his behavior, "slightly disturbing to say the least," but did not report him to authorities. "Billie and I have no desire to interact with local law enforcement'" said Bunny, as she covered her face and walked quickly down the trail and out of site. Editors Note: The Bowers were arrested a few days later, attempting to rob an Amtrak train traveling between LA and Phoenix. They are currently awaiting trial on charges of armed robbery and boarding a train with deodorant. 

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Western Azelea on Cook's Loop Trail. The Bearded Man was enraptured by its scent, walking bush to bush, placing his nose deep in the blooms, closing his eyes and saying "Ahhhhh" quite loud. This went on for over 30 minutes and is not considered normal behavior, even in California. 

Back at the hotel, The Bearded Man kicked off his boots, lay back on the bed and relaxed a bit before showering, tossing on his blue blazer and heading down for an early dinner. The inlaid wood beamed and chandelier draped dining room was only beginning to fill up when he arrived and began his meal of grilled Spanish octopus, followed by a Cesar Salad. Pausing to catch his breath and have a few sips of water (he was still dry from a long day) TBM asked his waiter to recommend an entree. "If you like salmon, our pan seared Verlasso salmon is the finest salmon dish you will ever taste. If you like meat, the braised Berkshire pork osso buco is to die for." Without blinking, "I'll have the salmon my good man. Dying for a piece of pork is a bit steep." The waiter walked away determined to never use that particular phrase again.

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Grilled Spanish octopus. Just look at it. It's saying, "I am reaching out to you. Take me, eat me, please eat me." I know, I speak Spanish. It is also saying some other things I can't repeat.

Glacier Point, an overlook with a commanding view of Yosemite Valley, Half Dome, and the High Sierra is about 30 miles from Yosemite Valley. The drive, as with any drive in the valley, is mesmerizing. Mother Nature is on full display and she is unrelenting. When the road ends at Glacier Point, it's a short walk to the viewing area. Once everything comes into view, you understand why apparently, it isn't at all uncommon for someone to simply stand and gaze at the view, as if transfixed into place. As for The Bearded Man, he was there at this time of day to specifically watch the sunset. He had seen photos of a color-saturated sky behind Half Dome - Orange and pink flaying out across the valley, before turning to deep blue and purple shadows. But nothing prepared him for the intensity and movement of color. "It was like being in a Van Gogh oil. The richness of color was breathtaking - the way it slowly moved across the granite and valley floor." As with so many before, he was deeply touched by nature and forever enriched by simply observing her transition from day into night. 

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Half Dome at sunset. This occurs right before the sun disappears and the stars magically appear in the sky. And this event seemingly takes place every day. 

Before turning in for the night, The Bearded Man stopped by the visitor's center to take part in a ranger led star gazing walk. Looking at the stars in a National Park, in particular one as remote as Yosemite, is a visual treat. "I never get tired of a night sky. It's so much easier to see the stars when it's dark." (Sometimes stating the obvious can be liberating.) And with those pearls, TBM walked back to his $420 a night room and collapsed across the bad. It had been a long day and he needs to be up early and on his way in the morning. Six more National Parks in California, Oregon and Washington await his arrival, before turning eastward and starting the final leg of his glorious journey. He quickly fell asleep with images of Yosemite Valley and sassy Spanish octopi dancing in his head. 

An artist's rendering of the only known sighting of a dancing octopus. Seen here being threatened by Jacques Cousteau to "dance or else."

The Bearded Man tours 4 California National Parks - Channel Islands, Death Valley, Sequoia and Kings Canyon

The four hour drive from Joshua Tree to Channel Islands National Park requires The Bearded Man to hit a few freeways in and around Los Angeles. Never a good idea. TBM prefers blue highways and crowded freeways tend to make him anxious. As a result, when he arrived at Channel Island Transportation for his scheduled flight to Santa Rosa Island, we had to peel his hands off the wheel. There are tiny nail prints in the wood. I didn't know you could leave nail prints in wood.

Channel Islands National Park encompasses five remarkable islands - San Miguel, Santa Rosa, Santa Cruz, Anacapa, Santa Barbara - and their surrounding one mile of ocean. Each of the islands is a fascinating world unto itself. Accessible by boat or plane, The Bearded Man chose to take a 45 minute flight to Santa Rosa Island via Channel Islands Aviation and booked his return to the mainland on an Island Packer Cruise ship. "I get to fly over these beautiful islands in the ocean this morning and cruise through them this evening. Not a bad day. This might be a cigar day." That last reference is to his secret stash of three Cuban cigars, given to him by a friend who brought them back from a recent trip to Viet Nam of all places. "I meant to light one up at the Grand Canyon, but after that hike I was too tired to inhale."

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Mickey Machado, The Bearded Man's Cuban connection, sporting a hand rolled Havana Hoagie. If you nurse it, a Hoagie can last up to 4 hours. If you just blow thru it, the back of your head may explode.

With all of their untamed beauty, many consider the Channel Islands miniature versions of the California that many thought was lost long ago. At 84 square miles, Santa Rosa is the second largest of the eight Channel Islands (only five of the eight are part of the NPS).  Most of the island is covered by rolling hills. Steep and dramatic canyons, such as Lobo or Water Canyon, cut through the hills and open up to beautiful white sand beaches. There are also two relatively high mountains on the island; Black Mountain, 1298 ft and Soledad Peak 1574 ft. Lying just beyond Point Conception, the weather is more like the Big Sur Coast than that of Southern California and immediately after stepping off the plane in Belcher's Bay, TBM felt the cool breezes coming in off the Pacific. His immediate succinct response - "Tight." 

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This is Kyle Koseck sporting The Bearded Man on Channel Islands. What are the friggin odds that this would happen? Kyle sends us a photo from the Channel Islands while The Bearded Man is touring the Channel Islands. If I get a photo from Yosemite tomorrow I may cry.

The hike to Torrey Pines to view one of the rarest pines in the world is a fairly easy five mile hike along the flat Coastal Road. Given that Santa Rosa and San Diego are the only two spots where these wind-sculpted conifers grow, the hike is well worth it. But when you see a Torrey Pine for the first time, it's unlike seeing other spectacular wonders of nature. After all it's just a funny looking pine tree. A drunken uncle of the pine tree in your back yard. "Let's be honest. They're not much to look at." The Bearded Man, natures most PC admirer. 

From the pines, The Bearded Man hitched a ride over to Lobo Canyon with its native flora, eroded sandstone formations, and embedded pygmy mammoth fossils. Wait...Pygmy mammoth? Yes indeed, a miniaturized 5-foot high mammoth once roamed here. Apparently they drove rather large cars to compensate for their small...stature. But I digress. The mouth of the canyon opens to a secluded beach and expansive views of the Pacific Ocean. The perfect spot to rest and enjoy a lunch of pita chips and a PB&J on whole wheat. "Don't tell anyone about the Cow Tail. I can only go so long without a Cow Tail."  

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The secluded beach at the mouth of Lobo Canyon, site of the infamous Cow Tail incident. Did The Bearded Man give a piece of his Cow Tail to an Olive-sided Flycatcher or was it stolen by a Western Gull? The proper authorities have been notified and several gulls detained. 

The boat ride from Belcher's Bay to Ventura Harbor was two hours of fairly rough seas. The Bearded Man, for the most part a man of land, emerged from the boat feeling a bit queasy and started looking for a place to have dinner. "When all else fails, eat. It's a simple motto to live by." We agree and ducked into Boatyard Cafe for some Cajun shrimp linguine, with a side of mixed vegetables and a glass of California Cabernet (just one). With a five hour drive to Death Valley, it was time to gas up and hit Route 126 northeast. Any way you slice it TBM knew he would be arriving late.

With only one quick stop at Stoken' Donuts in Mojave (TBM is allowed a few guilty pleasures and a nutty donut just happens to be one of many), The Bearded Man rolled up to The Inn at Furnace Creek and employing his best Bogart imitation, tossed his keys in the direction of the valet stand and said, "Be gentle." Once the young man at the desk finished laughing - not a ha, ha laugh, but a are you seriously that delusional laugh - he picked up the keys and parked the van. The Bearded Man headed straight for the Corkscrew Saloon and a well earned glass of bourbon on the rocks. This was followed by a small thin crust pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms and sweet peppers, before strolling over to his room and passing out. "I need a good night's sleep for my nails to fully recover." He's brawny but tender.

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Cinnamon pecan crunch donuts. The Bearded Man ordered one and they brought him a stack. Not knowing the ways and customs of the donut people, he felt compelled to eat them.

Death Valley is hot. On this day, 120 degrees worth of hot. Do you think the Bearded Man changed his schedule to accommodate the heat? Do you think he cancelled his two mile hike up Mesquite Flat High Dune? No is the correct answer. Making matters worse, there is no formal trail to follow, so you just start walking uphill across the dunes until you reach the highest point, which is about 100 feet off the desert floor. The Mesquite Flat Dunes fill the center of a Y-shaped valley that helped lead to the creation of the dunes and also makes for expansive views. In some areas, the sand has dried to form hard clay, which lies on the desert floor cracked in polygon shaped patterns. The Bearded Man just looked up the word polygon.

On his way back to his room, The Bearded Man stopped at the Furnace Creek Visitors Center to tour the collection of geological specimens. As the lowest point in North America, Death Valley belongs to a world-wide group, whose members share one defining feature. Namely, they all have exposed land below sea level, which requires an extremely dry climate. In wet climates, low places fill with water and overflow to the sea. A dry climate evaporates water, leaving behind salt flats or briny lakes. Like most of these locations, Death Valley was not created by a river’s erosion. But rather by movements in the earth's crust along the active fault lines of the Basin and Range geomorphic province, pushing it below sea level depths. (The Bearded Man was overheard asking a ranger if Death Valley had to pay dues to be in the group of places below sea level.) 

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Q. How did a steer skull find its way to the floor of Death Valley? A. Clearly aliens.

Q. What is a Polygon? A. Footprints left behind by aliens.

After a quick bite, The Bearded Man retrieved his van from the valet stand and over-tipped the young man. You take care of these guys and nothing happens to the van. "I scratch your back, you take care of the van." Alright. That might be a slight deviation from the standard line. In any case, the drive to Charcoal Kilns and up to the top of Telescope Peak (elevations from 7,000 – 11,000 ft) passes through pinyon-juniper habitat and bristlecone pine communities and is prime bird watching territory. "What better way to end a full day in the park than spotting a Mountain Bluebird or a Yellow Headed Blackbird? Unless it's a Western Wood-Peewee." You've gotta give the guy credit - Who would even know a Western Wood Pee-Wee if it flew into their car and introduced itself?

There is no direct route between Death Valley and Sequoia National Park. If one existed you could make the drive in about and hour or so. Unfortunately you can't drive over the Sierras, so you have to backtrack south to Bakersfield before heading north on Route 65. Turning an hour's drive into a five and a half hour drive. "Such is life," says The Bearded Man. "It takes me a hour to go up and down all the isles at Kroger, so what's a few more minutes." (Is life really this simple?) With one stop in Bakersfield for gas and a late breakfast of french toast, three eggs over easy, with well done hash browns at Pappy's Coffee Shop (10595 Rosedale Hwy), TBM rolled up to Wuksachi Lodge at exactly 10:15 AM.

At an elevation of 7,050 ft, Wuksachi Lodge is ideally located in the Giant Forest area of Sequoia National Park, only miles from the entrance to Kings Canyon National Park. The magnificent stone-and-cedar mountain lodge built in 1999, is situated in the heart of the park and surrounded by a mighty sequoia forest and soaring Sierra peaks. After checking in, The Bearded Man did something he has rarely done on this trip - He put a few clothes in one of the drawers of his room. "It's odd to be staying in one place for two nights, but I have Yosemite coming up in a few days and I want to show up well rested." That almost sounds like logic.

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Wuksachi Lodge. If I bought this place I would rename it 'Lodge of Golden Light With Violet Backdrop.' Either that or 'Smitty's Motel'.

If you're looking for wilderness, you've come to the right couple of parks. While the wilds of Kings Canyon and Sequoia bump up against each other, they are also surrounded by Jennie Lake Wilderness, Monarch Wilderness, Golden Trout Wilderness, John Muir Wilderness, Dinkey Lake Wilderness and Inyo National Forest. As is the case with many of the large National Parks, you could wander around for weeks, each day filled with wondrous landscapes of giant trees, vast lakes and soaring peaks. But if your visit is brief, you need a plan in order to see the best the park has to offer. The Bearded Man has a plan and it starts with a short hike to Tokopah Falls. Beginning just beyond the Marble Fork Bridge in Lodgepole Campground, it's an easy 1.7 mile (one way) walk along the Marble Fork of the Kaweah River to the impressive granite cliffs and 1,200 ft waterfall of Tokopah Canyon. 

Dear Reader, the following paragraph is brought to you by Mother Nature.

"In order to assure that an increasing population, accompanied by expanding settlement and growing mechanization, does not occupy and modify all areas within the United States and its possessions, leaving no lands designated for preservation and protection in their natural condition, it is hereby declared to be the policy of the Congress to secure for the American people of present and future generations the benefits of an enduring resource of wilderness."  -- The Wilderness Act of 1964

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This is what wilderness looks like. Notice the lack of electrical wires and cars and cell towers and houses and shops and stadiums and freeways. We can Photoshop it in if it makes you feel better.

Sequoia and Kings Canyon had many champions that worked tirelessly to bring the parks to fruition. Walter Fry, Norman Clyde and Charles Young and his Buffalo Soldiers and Susan Thew to name a few. Thew, was a staunch advocate for preservation, but never more so than in her role in the expansion of Sequoia National Park. It was here that Susan found inspiration: "If you are weary with the battle, either of business or the greater game of life, and would like to find your way back to sound nerves and a new interest in life, I know of no better place than the wild loveliness of some chosen spot in the High Sierra in which, when you have lost your physical self, you have found your mental and spiritual re-awakening." We think she was on to something and wanted to make sure her words are remembered.

In the late 19th century, under the command of Charles Young, the Buffalo Soldiers began building highways that would allow access to the Big Trees. Over the next few decades, roads connecting the two parks expanded and branched into various parts of the parks. On June 23, 1935, at a cost of $2.25 million (roughly the same amount as LeBron James makes for waking up in the morning), the newly named Generals Highway cemented a partnership between Sequoia National Park and General Grant National Park. On the day of the ceremony, 669 cars carried 2,488 people from both the Sequoia and General Grant entrances to create a convoy along the park-to-park highway and meet in the center. By 1940, General Grant National Park was incorporated into the newly-formed Kings Canyon National Park where the highway continued to multiply the visitation between the two parks. And today, on that very highway, The Bearded Man finds himself winding around curves cut into rock by Buffalo Soldiers 100 years ago and awe struck by the beauty at each turn.

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General's Highway in 1933. I'm not saying the workers were drunk, but on the back side of that hill is a very straight path.

Back at the lodge, The Bearded Man showered, trimmed the beard and headed down to The Peaks for dinner. After a few minutes of studying the menu, he says to no one in particular, "I might be here a while." And he was. Starting with a chopped salad of organic mixed greens, shaved turkey breast, bacon, roasted corn, avocado, hard-boiled egg with sherry-thyme vinaigrette, followed by a bowl of french onion soup. Pan-search rainbow trout with a hint of peach salsa was his entree, before topping it off with a small - and at 127.9 proof, I mean small - glass of Booker's Bluegrass bourbon. As The Bearded Man slowly walked back to his room he was heard muttering "I forgot to order dessert." 

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For those of you not familiar with what the term 'proof' means, it's a way of of measuring alcohol content. You take the 'proof' and divide it by two, to get the percent of alcohol. In this case, it is 127 'proof', so it is 63.5% alcohol. The higher the number the less likely you are to remember where you live.

Up with the sun, The Bearded Man walked over to the visitors center to ask a ranger if there have been any bears spotted along the High Sierra Trail from Upper Kern Canyon to Guitar Lake. His day was going to be spent on that 10 mile section of the 70+ mile High Sierra Trail in Kings Canyon and he wanted to know if there was activity in the area. Ranger Martinez assured him that no activity had been reported and to employ the normal cautionary measures of hiking a remote trail. "Got it. Make noise, look big and use a bear bag for food." I think he's been to this rodeo a few times. Coffee, hiking poles, backpack, two gallons of water...let's go.

The Bearded Man's hike begins in low country by the Kern River and takes him to Guitar Lake, the launching point for a western-approach climb of Mount Whitney. This is a stretch that climbs about 3,500 feet in ten miles. By no means an easy hike, but after climbing out of Grand Canyon, "this should be a walk through the tulips." First passing the walls of Kern Canyon and Wallace Creek, before the peaks of the Kaweah Range come into view, the trail eventually junctions with the John Muir Trail, where it crosses Wallace Creek. Finally reaching Crabtree Meadow where there is a back-country ranger station and water access. From here - after resting for a good half hour - the trail climbs around another 800 feet in 2.5 miles to Guitar Lake, which at 11,400 feet is the highest point of the hike and affords a magnificent view of Mt. Whitney. "Wake me up in about an hour and I'll head back down the trail. I'm pooped." And with that The Bearded Man began snoring within one minute.

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Mount Kaweah beneath cloud, and Second Kaweah in cloud shadow, beyond Kaweah Creek. The Bearded Man slept here and bathed here. He also left behind a present here.

After an all day hike, room service was in order, so before heading up to his room The Bearded Man stopped by the kitchen and put in an order. He was informed by the waitstaff that they did not offer room service, but as TBM slipped him a $50 bill the policy underwent a dramatic change. Dinner arrived just as TBM was done toweling off after a 45 minute shower. "Thank you for bending the rules just a bit. I appreciate it. Here you go, buy yourself a new tie." And with that, he slipped the young man another $50 before falling asleep laying sideways across the bed, still in his robe, with his dinner untouched. (His 2 AM dinner was delicious.)

The Bearded Man tours Grand Canyon and then on to Joshua Tree

The first time you see Grand Canyon you are forever changed. When you gaze out across this majestic landscape, you are filled with awe and wonder. The enormity and raw power of nature is on full display. Her beauty and might are laid bare for all to see and it is a deeply moving and ultimately humbling experience. It quite literally took The Bearded Man's breath away. 

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I dare you to walk to the edge of the Grand Canyon, look out over the unending sweep of time and not be moved. The Bearded Man wept tears of joy.

Arizona Sate University is the curator of 'Nature, Culture and History at the Grand Canyon'. They have done a remarkable job of capturing the essence of the Grand Canyon and its place in history and our current culture. The following four paragraphs are from their site - www. http://grandcanyonhistory.clas.asu.edu/index.html.

The Grand Canyon is one of the most identifiable and remarkable landscapes on earth and the most internationally recognized symbol of nature in North America.  But this over-sized natural wonder is much more than a sight to behold. It is a cultural landscape that has been lived in, traveled through, feared, marveled at, exploited for profit, utilized for education, and praised as inspiration by a diverse array of people over a very long time. 

This unique place has influenced American science, art, environmental values, popular culture, tourism, and leisure.  It provided life and salt for Native Americans, thwarted early Spanish explorers, confounded prospectors and evoked poetry from the pens of scientists. From the early travelers to today’s five million annual visitors, everyone reacts differently - but everyone reacts.  As these reactions have been captured in oral histories, books, photographs, paintings, poetry, news articles, and movies, the relationship between people and place in this iconic American landscape has grown to shape our nation’s history and values. 

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The ever-changing palate of the majestic Grand Canyon. Depending on who you ask, the canyon is over six million years old or less than two thousand. When the same group was asked when did dinosaurs roam the earth, answers ranged from 10 million years ago to last week.

One of Earth’s few natural landmarks visible from space, the massive rift carved by the Colorado River begins just south of Utah at Lee’s Ferry and curves with the river through 277 miles of Arizona toward the California border, brushing Nevada along the way. At places, it is 15 miles wide (it averages 10), and its depth reaches a mile, cutting through rock formed two billion years ago. We call it, quite simply, the Grand Canyon, but there is nothing simple about this enormous landscape.

For many people, the phrase “Grand Canyon” immediately conjures a national park. Formally dedicated in 1919, Grand Canyon National Park covers 1,904 square miles (just 50 square miles fewer than Delaware) and encompasses many of the most beautiful vistas of the region, but it does not surround the entire geologic feature known as the Grand Canyon, which actually begins east of the park and continues on for many miles beyond it to the west. In other words, the Grand Canyon contains the park, but the park does not contain the Grand Canyon."

Before the sun rose, The Bearded Man filled up with coffee and walked over to meet the tram that would take him to the South Kaibab trailhead. From here the descent into the canyon and his final stop for the evening, Phantom Ranch, is an elevation change of 4,714 feet down 7.4 miles of steep, twisting, hardscrabble, narrow trail. The hike from South Rim to Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the canyon on the Colorado River, is not for the faint of heart. It is also not for those out of shape, those who are afraid of heights, those who can't carry a pack, those with bad knees, those who don't understand the importance of hydrating, or those who were mistakenly lead to believe that this would be a 'good stroll.' However, for those that hike down to Phantom Ranch along South Kaibob, they are rewarded with spectacular views of the canyon and the Colorado. Views that reaffirm your belief in the power of nature to inspire and heal. 

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The 7 stages of the North Kaibob Trail. 1. Oh my God, look at that view! 2. Hey, this is steep. 3. What do you mean we're not halfway? 4. My legs feel like jelly. 5. Either it just got cloudy or I'm having a stroke. 6. I think my right foot just came off in my shoe. 7. You can carry me if you lift with your legs. 

For anyone planning a trip, here is the NPS brochure, 'An Introduction to Backcountry Hiking in the Grand Canyon.' https://www.nps.gov/grca/planyourvisit/upload/intro-bc-hike.pdf. Read it.

The Phantom Ranch - Just the name conjures up images of a mysterious hideout for train robbers of the old west. You expect Butch and Sundance to suddenly stroll by and doff their hat. In reality, Phantom Ranch would in fact have been the perfect hideout. Tucked into the woods at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, accessible only by foot, mule or the Colorado River, which runs by a few hundred yards from your front door. As The Bearded Man can attest, it's not right around the corner from anywhere and when you get there by foot all you want to do is lay down. Or better yet, all you can do is lay down. Fortunately for anyone who has walked to the bottom of the canyon (about 1% of the nearly 5 million annual visitors), a stream runs directly behind the cabins. An ice cold stream that feels like heaven. Like butter on lobster. Like champagne on ice. Like a cold shower after a marathon. Actually, it felt better than all of those things combined and The Bearded Man lay in the stream for exactly 77 minutes before walking back to his cabin and falling asleep in 2. minutes flat.

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Cabins at Phantom Ranch. They have window unit air conditioners, which The Bearded Man credits for saving his life. "Without air I don't think I could have slept that night. Without rest I would have fallen off a cliff the next day." Hard to argue with that. If I hadn't slept last night, my head may fall over and hit my laptop - Boom you're dead. 

Dinner at Phantom Ranch is a community affair, with visitors meeting in the cafeteria and sharing long wooden tables. Meals are chosen before you hike down and The Bearded Man opted for chicken with vegetables and banana pudding for dessert All washed down with water - his 23rd gallon of the day. After dinner, stories are told, experiences shared and the hobbled return to their cabins to prepare for the tougher leg of the journey - the hike back to the rim via Bright Angel Trail. Before heading back to his cabin, The Bearded Man walked down to the Colorado and sat on the bank for a while. As the water rushed by, he suddenly found himself thinking of how far this trip had brought him and how far he had to go. He smiled to himself and promptly fell asleep. When he awoke, the sky above the canyon was a barrage of white, glowing pinpoints. Viewed up through the walls of the canyon, the night was as beautiful as any he had ever seen. He smiled all the way back up the path to his cabin. He knew he was a lucky man.

Before he hit the trail at 5:30 AM, The Bearded Man was given a pre-ordered sack lunch consisting of an apple, an energy bar and something that was obviously put in the bag by mistake, since only a raccoon could ignore the smell. Two large bladders of water, a quick coffee and off he goes on the 10 mile, 4,000+ foot climb back to the south rim. Or as he later lovingly called it, "My ascent into hell." 

The six hour grueling hike up the Bright Angel Trail passes through four rest stops along the way. Stone shelters that offer the opportunity to refill bladders and empty them at the same time. It also leads through an anomaly on the trail known as Indian Garden. An oasis of trees in any otherwise barren landscape, Indian Garden springs up as if a mirage. Once the seasonal home of the Havasupai, President Theodore Roosevelt ordered them to leave the area in 1903, to make way for a park. However, it was not until 1928 that the last Havasupai left, forced out by the National Park Service. (We were told they now own several casinos in the Nevada desert and are still angry with Teddy. We could not confirm.) After Indian Garden, The Bearded Man started to feel the climb in his legs. An experienced hiker and physical specimen (or at least a specimen) he none-the-less could feel the rapid elevation change and took several water breaks before emerging at the top. "Between yesterday and today, I think I lost 12 pounds. I am counting on dinner to put at least 10 of those back on." Always the optimist.

Part of the infamous Teddy Roosevelt Grand Canyon mule ride after politely asking the Havasupai Indians to leave. Teddy once declared that the Grand Canyon was something everyone should see. TBM once said the Grand Canyon is something every person should hike in good sturdy boots. Two very similar great men.

A meal in the dining room at the historic El Tovar Hotel, is a meal to remember. The National Park Service calls it, "Gourmet dining in an atmosphere of historic and casual elegance. This celebrated and majestic dining room is constructed of native stone and Oregon pine, with murals on the walls reflecting the customs of four Native American Tribes – the Hopi, the Apache, the Mojave and the Navajo. The ambience is rustic, but classic and traditional. You can imagine the countless number of intriguing characters that have dined here in the past.  Guests such as Teddy Roosevelt, President Bill Clinton and Sir Paul McCartney have dined and shared stories within these walls. The menu is traditional, integrating both international and local Southwest influences.  Signature items such as the Prime Rib Hash at Breakfast or the Salmon Tostada at Dinner have graced the menu for decades and become true classics. The Service Staff for El Tovar Dining Room are consummate professionals; many have been with the restaurant for over 20 years. The El Tovar Dining Room is considered the premier dining establishment at the Grand Canyon and is recognized internationally." After his early dinner, The Bearded Man would simply say - ditto. 

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The landmark El Tovar Hotel, overlooking the rim of the Grand Canyon. The inscription on the postcard reads in part, "Sorry to hear about Uncle Fred, but we have our own problems. Betty got sauced and just slipped over the rim of the canyon." 

If you've never hiked an elevation gain of 4,000 feet, over the course of 6 hours and 10 miles, it is difficult to understand how loud your dogs are barking. After his memorable meal at El Tovar, The Bearded Man wanted nothing more than to return to his room and collapse. Read a book, watch bad television or drink 15 Mexican Cokes. But he did not want to leave Grand Canyon without visiting historic Kolb Studio, which is fortunately located about 100 yards from the Bright Angel Lodge. In 1902, Emery and Ellsworth Kolb opened a studio in the Grand Canyon and began making photographs of mule parties, landscapes, river adventures, and nearly every other dramatic scene and incident that occurred in the area. They also successfully navigated the Green and Colorado Rivers in 1911, filming their journey. The film ran in the Kolb Studio in the Grand Canyon from 1915 until Emery's death in 1976. Quintessential pioneers and visionaries, the Kolb Brothers' photographs and films run throughout numerous short and full-length films, most notably the Ken Burns' documentary, National Parks: America's Best Idea. Anyone who has ever set foot on a trail at the Grand Canyon owes a thank you to these two. Bless you boys.

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A 1903 Kolb Brothers photograph of lightening over the Grand Canyon. Taken approximately 106 years before the omnipresent iPhone. This particular photo had zero views on Instagram.

Putting Grand Canyon in his rear view mirror was difficult for The Bearded Man. Everything about the park was begging him to stay. But he is on a tight schedule and as such he grabbed his coffee, threw his gear and pointed the van in the direction of Joshua Tree National Park. The five hour drive southwest across Arizona and into California was an uneventful one, with the exception of an early lunch stop at In-N-Out Burger in Kingman, Arizona. As a rule, The Bearded Man eats very little red meat, but the chance to feast on a couple of double bacon cheeseburgers (not to mention the well done fries) at In-N-Out was just too much to resist. 

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First In-N-Out Burger in Baldwin Park, California. Rumored to have been started by a frustrated California housewife.

While the Joshua Tree area has been inhabited by humans for at least 5,000 years, by the late 1920's, the development of new roads into the desert had brought an influx of land developers and cactus poachers. Minerva Hoyt, a Pasadena resident who was extremely fond of desert plants, became concerned about the removal of cacti and other plants to the gardens of Los Angeles. Her tireless efforts to protect this area culminated in 825,000 acres being set aside as Joshua Tree National Monument in 1936 and as part of the Desert Protection Bill, was elevated to park status on October 31, 1994. In 1987, the Irish rock band U2, titled their album Joshua Tree and Bono bought his first pair of gigantic yellow sunglasses.

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Bono is the guy on the right. All four lads are wanted for postal fraud in connection with a scheme to reproduce rare Irish stamps commemorating the birth of Paddy Finnegan, a.k.a. McPaddy. Shortly after this photo, Bono began wearing sunglasses indoors.

Joshua Tree is renowned for its plant diversity, with nearly 750 species of vascular plants. Nearly half of these are annual plants, like many of the wildflowers that bloom in spring. The park also provides habitat for over 44 plant species designated as rare. and a spectacular number of trees and shrubs. Shrub assemblages here are among the most diverse vegetation types in North America. Joshua Tree is also known for its numerous species of cacti, many species of ferns, mosses, and liverworts—also known as bryophytes. Many species of lichens can easily be found growing on the famous rock formations of the park. "Now I understand why they originally wanted to call this place Desert Plants National Park in 1930," chimes in The Bearded Man, who was earlier seen enjoying a rather involved conversation with a large fern.

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Joshua Tree National Park. Home of the Yucca brevifolia or Joshua tree. Several park names were bandied about before landing on Joshua Tree: Land of Odd Trees, A Desolate Place and my favorite The Desert.   

Still feeling the effects of his Grand Canyon hikes, The Bearded Man decided the best way to spend his time at the park - beside in his tent sleeping - was to take advantage of a couple of ranger guided tours. First on his list was a tour of the historic Keys Ranch. William F. Keys and his family are particularly representative of the hard work and ingenuity it took to settle and prosper in the Mojave Desert. Bill and Frances spent 60 years working together to make a life and raise their five children in this remote location. The ranch house, school house, store, and workshop still stand; the orchard has been replanted; and the grounds are full of the cars, trucks, mining equipment, and spare parts that are a part of the Desert Queen Ranch story. 

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Mrs. Francis Keys, reads a letter from her husband Bill Keys in 1948, saying he was about to be paroled after serving five years in San Quentin for murder. In 1956, Bill was awarded a full pardon on grounds of self defense. Even though Bill was away, Mrs. Keys fixed her hair up pretty each and every morning. 

Before turning in, The Bearded Man joined a ranger led star gazing expedition. Consisting of a short one mile out and back, the group was treated to a clear sky and for many their first viewing of The Milky Way. Ranger Kipp asked The Bearded Man to say a few words about the first time he saw The Milky Way and the effect it had on him. "I was 13 years old when my dad drove us up to a place called the Headlands, in northern Michigan. I grew up in a small town outside of Detroit and although we didn't have a lot of ambient light, we never got to see a sky like the one here tonight, or the one I saw as a 13 year old kid. I remember our dad pointing out various constellations and patterns in the sky. Then he showed us The Milky Way. And there it was, as plain as day, right above my head. We all laid back on the grass and stared up at the heaven's for what seemed like hours. It was, up to that point, the most amazing night of my life. And standing here tonight, it feels as though I can reach out and touch my fathers hand.  My brother's shirt, or the hem of my mother's skirt (she wasn't allowed to wear pants - don't get me started). That night is the reason I am here tonight. That night embedded in me the love of outdoors and all things in it. It also provided me with a lifelong love affair of the night sky." After The Bearded Man finished his recollection, Ranger Kipp asked if anyone else would like to provide a memory. No one spoke until someone in the back quietly said, "I think I'll pass." TBM can be a tough act to follow. 

And now a word from our sponsor: Joshua Tree, we will continue to celebrate the NPS Centennial in October by bringing together astronomers, scientists, cultural speakers, night-sky enthusiasts, artists, volunteers, junior rangers, and members of nearby communities to celebrate the night skies of Joshua Tree National Park.

We thought we had a deal with U2. We mention their name in a post (U2) and they would help fund The Bearded Man Tour. Paul Hewson nixed the deal. Yeah, that's right Bono, we know who you are. .     

Bryce Canyon to Great Basin to Zion - The Bearded Man finishes Utah and Nevada before heading to Grand Canyon in Arizona

The 114 room Bryce Canyon Lodge, built in 1925, offers guests the choice of suites, motel rooms and cabins. The Bearded Man checked into his cabin, gathered some gear and headed out to hike the Rim Trail. Extending from Fairyland to Bryce Point, Rim Trail has several steep elevation changes and is 5.5 miles one way. It also offers the finest views of what's commonly referred to as the Bryce Canyon National Park amphitheater. Several trails, such as Fairyland and Peek-A-Boo, lead deep into the canyon and offer spectacular view of the parks legendary hoodoos. But on this day The Bearded Man understood that when you hike into the canyon, you eventually have to climb out of the canyon, and in 103 degree heat, that may be less than fun. "Sticking to the rim. Only mules and the Varner family are heat resistant enough to head to the bottom today." Editors note: His seemingly innocent reference to the Varner family and their well documented tolerance of high temperatures, prompted phone calls from their attorney Mortey Steinway. All were allowed to go straight to voice mail. We've been around the block with these litigious heat-loving people before.

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A member of the Varner family racing to the bottom of Bryce Canyon. Their attorney, Mortey Steinway, can be seen in the distance on his cell. 

Bryce Canyon is home to 59 species of mammals, but only one is a potential killer. The mountain lion, also known as cougar, puma, panther, yellow cat, catamount, etc., is North America's largest member of the cat family. These majestic creatures once roamed throughout North America, but today, their range is limited to British Columbia and Alberta, Canada, the twelve westernmost states in the US, and Florida. An adult mountain lion, can be up to 30 inches tall at the shoulder, 8 feet long and weigh 175 pounds. A lethal ambush hunter, the mountain lion often leaps on its prey from trees or rock outcroppings. One lion can consume up to 20 or 30 pounds of meat in a single meal. After feeding on its kill, the lion will cache the prey, or bury it in a secluded spot. This feeding behavior prompted a warning from the NPS: "A Mountain Lion periodically returns to its food cache or may just rest between meals hidden nearby. Therefore, investigating a Mountain Lion food cache is fine if you can fly like a raven, but otherwise it is a very dangerous idea." Did The National Park Service just crack a joke or do they think certain visitors can actually fly?  

Back at the lodge, The Bearded Man indulged in an early dinner that turned out to be one of the finest meals on his trip. It began with an oven roasted portabella mushroom stuffed with fresh sage, rosemary, feta cheese and panko bread crumbs. Followed by sliced tomatoes, fresh basil and fresh mozzarella drizzled with balsamic reduction. For his entree The Bearded Man selected the skin-on boneless Utah trout filet, crusted with almonds and panko, pan seared and topped with prickly pear cactus and roasted jalapeno puree, served with herb infused jasmine rice and freshly steamed broccoli. For dessert he managed to put away a large slice of homemade Rainbow Point carrot cake and a rather large bowl of vanilla bean ice cream. He also had a bottle of 1974 Beaulieu Vineyard's Georges de Latour Private Reserve, before asking the waiter to fetch an Uber for the 100 yard trip back to the cabin. 

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The closest Uber - Seen here dropping off his last fare in Zion National Park. The driver, 78 year old Mahnoor Bajwa, is struggling to cover fuel costs for his modified tour bus and is actively searching cars.com for a used Prius.

Bryce Canyon to Zion National Park is a little over an hour's dive southwest on Route 89. The Bearded Man's home for the night, Zion Lodge, lies in the middle of a hiker’s paradise, where "accommodations include historic cabins with two double beds, full bath, gas log fireplace and private porch and hotel rooms with a private porch or balcony. All rooms feature air conditioning, phones, radio alarm clocks and hairdryers." Alas, no TV for The Bearded Man to watch his beloved Detroit Tigers take on the Chicago White Sox. His National Park tour has taken a toll on his ability to keep up with the Tigers. (We've inserted this brief whine in hopes that Mr. Ilitch, who owns the Tigers, will take pity on The Bearded Man's plight and offer free tickets for the 2017 season. We love you Mr. I.)

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A rare photo of Mr. I from his playing days. A scrappy middle infielder who perfected the art of floating above the field, Mr. I didn't make it to the show, so he bought a big league team instead. Oddly, none of his players can float. 

The name “Zion” means a place of peace and refuge. As a sanctuary with over 146,000 acres of cliffs, canyons, diverse plant and animal life, and uninterrupted beauty, Zion is well-named. Its massive sandstone walls, some as high as 3,800 feet, offer an opportunity for serenity and reflection for all who visit - including the perpetually serene Bearded Man. Early paintings brought notice to these remarkable areas and inspired others to consider protecting them for generations to come. From the earliest days of Westward Expansion, artists joined explorers and scientists to document the “unknown” lands. Most American’s first notion that such places existed was from seeing a painting, either in person or reproduced in a magazine.

The towering cliffs of Zion Canyon were so remote and inaccessible, that the nation was not introduced to this landscape until the turn of the twentieth century. One of the first paintings of Zion was by a veteran of John Wesley Powell’s second expedition of the Colorado River, Frederick S. Dellenbaugh, in 1903. He also completed an article about Zion that appeared in a popular magazine and through these mediums, Dellenbaugh transported this unknown canyon to visitors to the St. Louis World Fair and into the homes of Scribner’s Magazine readers over 100 years ago. Dellenbaugh’s images and words: “this great temple of eternity,” raised awareness about this majestic canyon and influenced some to petition for its protection as a national park. Today, the Zion National Park Foundation hosts an annual Zion National Park Plein Air Art Invitational. The event brings together 24 of the country's finest landscape artists to paint en plein air (in the open air) throughout the week. Attendees walk and talk en plein air as well. (Used en plein air twice in one paragraph. This has never been done in the history of the English language.)

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1903 painting of Zion Canyon by Frederick S. Dellenbaugh, or Freddy D, as he was known to friends. History has largely overlooked the fact that Freddy D was dyslexic and all of his paintings are backward. 

The 8 hour round-trip hike from LaVerkin Creek Trail to Kolob Arch, provides outstanding opportunities for solitude in a primitive area of Zion Wilderness. The trail begins at Lee Pass with stunning views of the Kolob Canyons as it crosses Timber Creek and continues to descend toward LaVerkin Creek. After seven miles a spur trail leads hikers to a viewpoint where they can see the Kolob Arch. With a span of 287 feet and a thickness of 75 feet, the Kolob Arch is one of the world's largest natural arches. And at this juncture, The Bearded Man decided to remove his boots and take a brief rest on the side of the trail. The tarantula returning to its underground burrow, directly under The Bearded Man's left butt cheek, did not take kindly to the human roadblock. Unlike their common depiction in horror films, tarantulas are actually quite docile unless harassed and their bite is considered non-toxic to humans. The Bearded Man was unaware of this fact and proceeded to leap up (we didn't realize he could jump so high) and sprint down the trail, screaming like a kid from the Vienna Boys Choir. Fortunately he was not bitten and after 45 minutes got up the nerve to return to the scene and retrieve his boots. 

Back at the lodge, shaken but not deterred, The Bearded Man decided that a good meal and a good night's sleep would erase his horrifying encounter with the tarantula. The Red Rock Grill, with its large windows overlooking the floor of the canyon and the soaring stone walls, was the perfect place to start. Seriously, there's isn't much that a plate of fresh, oven roasted Alaskan salmon won't cure. Add some garlic mashed potatoes, steamed asparagus and a side of buttered calamari and life starts looking up. An ice cold 16 ounce Mexican Coke served in a glass bottle as a finishing touch. Editors Note: We understand that an ice cold Mexican Coke with such a lovely meal is not the norm in polite society. And The Bearded Man cares why?

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Perhaps there is a better meal than salmon, garlic mashed and asparagus, we just don't know what it would be. Just like we don't know why they placed a small tree branch on our food. 

Driving north for 3 1/2 hours before driving south for 7 1/2 hours, seems a bit counter intuitive. But when you look at a map, the only way to get from Zion to Great Basin National Park in Nevada, before going to Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona, is to drive north then south. So as always, The Bearded Man was up with the sun and on the road. His plan was to have breakfast at Arshels Cafe, in Minersville, Utah (with a piece of chocolate/peanut butter pie to go) and breeze into Great Basin around 9 AM and he did just that. 

With the exception of remote back-country camping, there is no camping or lodging of any kind inside Great Basin. The town of Baker, Nevada, however, offers a bit of everything for the weary traveler. The Bearded Man chose The Silver Jack Inn and Lectrolux Cafe from his list and checked in. A comfortable room and let's just call it an eclectic mix throughout the rest of the place. The Lectrolux Cafe would certainly come in handy after a long day in the park. 

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The Silver Jack Inn. How can you go wrong with a place that has cocktails and fudge? Not to mention spare bike parts and breakfast. 

"The finest workers in stone are not copper or steel tools, but the gentle touches of air and water working at their leisure with a liberal allowance of time." So says Henry David Thoreau. And there is no finer example of the touches of air and water than Lehman Cave. A beautiful marble cave ornately decorated with stalactites, stalagmites, helictites, flowstone, popcorn, and over 300 rare shield formations, Lehman Cave is only accessible as part of a ranger guided tour. Before entering the cave The Bearded Man was asked if he had been in another cave recently as a precaution against the spread of a bat disease known as White Noise Syndrome, a disease responsible for unprecedented mortality in hibernating bats in the eastern United States and Canada. Since he has been to Mammoth Cave in the last month or so, he was asked to wipe down his boots with decontaminating wipes. In an unrelated incident, he was also asked if he had a mint. He did. 

The Grand Palace Tour is approximately 90 minutes long and travels 0.6 miles. The tour leads visitors to the Gothic Palace, the Music Room, the Lodge Room, Inscription Room, and the Grand Palace sections of Lehman Caves, including a chance to view the famous "Parachute Shield" formation. The Bearded Man, with newly decontaminated boots, was fascinated by the unique thousand year old formations, colors and frailty of the various rooms. The cave's ecosystem also includes many species that are only found in Great Basin, including insects such as Globular Springtail, Great Basin Pseudo-Scorpion, Model Cave Harvestman and the ever popular translucent Cave Cricket. 

Back above ground, The Bearded Man opted for an early dinner at the Lectrolux Cafe, before heading back to the park for what was sure to be a beautiful evening under the stars. As of spring 2016, Great Basin has been designated an International Dark Sky Park. The International Dark Sky Association has recognized that Great Basin has distinguished and unique opportunities to experience dark nights. On a clear, moonless night in Great Basin National Park, thousands of stars, five of our solar system's eight planets, star clusters, meteors, man-made satellites, the Andromeda Galaxy, and the Milky Way can be seen with the naked eye. The area boasts some of the darkest night skies left in the United States. Low humidity and minimal light pollution, combined with high elevation, create a unique window to the universe. and tonight The Bearded Man took full advantage of where he was. "Few things in life compare to the awesome beauty of a dark night's clear star filled sky. I wish I could describe how breathtaking the sky is tonight. Let's just say it has a way of making you feel humble." With that, The Bearded Man had to look away for fear of being seen shedding a tear.  

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One of many beautiful posters depicting our National Parks. This particular poster was based on a photograph taken in 1937 by photographer and shoe salesman Willie Klearasil. The unknown man and woman appear to be gazing into the night sky. However, just over the ridge and out of sight is a concert featuring Duke Ellington and His Orchestra. The unknown couple did not want to pay the extra .25 for a pavilion seat. 

The trip from Great Basin to Grand Canyon is an 8 hour trip that will take The Bearded Man from Nevada, in and out of Utah and end up in Arizona. Two stops are planned - The French Spot in Cedar City, Utah for a late breakfast and Bitter Springs, Arizona for a late lunch. Dinner will be at the Bright Angel Restaurant after a shower and a nap in his cabin at Bright Angel Lodge, on the south rim of the Grand Canyon. The Bearded Man has been looking forward to this park since he began planning his trip many, many months ago. In an effort to help him relax and enjoy his stay, we made sure the lodge staff left a copy of "Over the Edge: Death in Grand Canyon - Gripping accounts of all known fatal mishaps in the most famous of the World's Seven Natural Wonders" by Michael P. Ghiglieri and Thomas M. Myers, on his bedside table. Sleep tight my friend...sleep tight.

The Bearded Man tours black canyon of the gunnison before heading to utah's five national parks

Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park is an intimidating landscape. A 48 mile gash, carved into western Colorado by weather, time and the Gunnison River, it reaches depths of over 2,700 feet. Bearing the name of an Army Lieutenant that first led an expedition into the canyon in 1853, John W. Gunnison's report contains the first official description of the formidable Black Canyon, calling it "the roughest, most hilly and most cut up," he had ever seen. 

The Bearded Man parked his van and set up camp at South Rim Campground in a small stand of oak-brush. At $16 for a place to park, pitch a tent, use the head and fill up with water, you can't beat National Park camping. From the campground it's a short walk to South Rim Visitors Center where The Bearded Man picked up a trail guide for the Warner Point Nature Trail. Named after John Warner, one of the park's earliest advocates, the 1.5 trail leads you through mountain mahogany, serviceberry, pinyon pine, and juniper, while showcasing magnificent views. The San Juan Mountain Range, Uncompahgre Valley, and Bostwick Park to the south and the West Elk Mountains to the north. At the end of the trail, views of the Gunnison River and Black Canyon are stunning. There was actually a brief moment, when The Bearded Man was looking out over the canyon and was speechless. He has asked us not to print that - so obviously we won't. 

Here's a link to the John Warner Trail Guide. https://www.nps.gov/blca/planyourvisit/upload/warner_trail_guide.pdf

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Standing on the edge of Black Canyon. It was only at the last minute that Harry "The Bird" Mybox, realized he had forgotten his wing suit.  

Back at camp, The Bearded Man indulged in a rare nap.  In his words, "Life caught up with me, so I closed my eyes for a bit." (Profound.) Feeling refreshed, he visited the Cimarron Canyon Rail Exhibit, at the mouth of Cimarron Creek, just upstream from where it spills into the Gunnison River. Locomotive #278, its coal tender, a boxcar, and caboose stand atop the last remaining railroad trestle along the Black Canyon of the Gunnison 15 mile route from Sapinero to Cimarron. In August of 1882, the editor of the Gunnison Review-Press newspaper was on the first train through the canyon and commented that this was "the largest and most rugged canyon in the world traversed by the iron horse." According to Rudyard Kipling, who rode through the canyon in 1889: " We entered a gorge, remote from the sun, where the rocks were two thousand feet sheer, and where a rock splintered river roared and howled ten feet below a track which seemed to have been built on the simple principle of dropping miscellaneous dirt into the river and pinning a few rails a-top. There was a glory and a wonder and a mystery about the mad ride, which I felt keenly…until I had to offer prayers for the safety of the train." The engineers that took trains through the Black Canyon for the next 67 years may have agreed to the beauty of the canyon, but were extremely fearful of the route - especially during winter. Avalanches and rock falls were common and an engineer and his crew never knew if or when their train would be the next to be swept into the icy waters of the Gunnison River. Despite the dangers and constant repair work, the Denver and Rio Grande made its Black Canyon route the cornerstone of its "Scenic Line of the World" passenger promotions and featured the Curecanti Needle on its emblem.

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A photo of The Denver Rio Grande Railroad in Black Canyon from the Sharlot Hall Museum. A decrease in mining and the rise of automobiles led to the demise of the line. This photo was taken by a Hans Goebbels, who fell off the back of the train while smoking. His camera was retrieved from scat of a mountain lion several days later.

Planning an early morning departure to Arches National Park, The Bearded Man drove over to the Horsefly Brewing Company in Montrose, so he wouldn't have to cook and clean up after himself. Two orders of fish tacos and one Six Shooter Pale Ale later, The Bearded Man headed back to camp. We would be remiss however, if we didn't relay one incident that took place while waiting for his second round of tacos. His waitress, Suzie, asked if he was from around the area. Big mistake Suzie. "Nope. I'm originally from Michigan, but my parents moved to Mississippi when I was pretty young. I went to school in Kentucky and New York, but in between lived in Florida and California. I didn't care for California. Everything was brown and Santa wore a Hawaiian shirt. People talked funny, not like in Mississippi. When I was in Florida, I thought everyone was over 90, so that didn't seem right. I liked New York, but taking classes and living alone was expensive. I remember the smells that came up through the subway grates. Kind of an oil and steam smell. If I close my eyes I can still smell those grates. Hey where did Suzie go?" This is after a single beer. Do not feed The Bearded Man beer. He will talk your ear off. Feed him bourbon and he will just smile.

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We think the Six Shooter Pale Ale is on the left. Suzie never returned to The Bearded Man's table and has since retired from waiting tables. She refused to be interviewed for this story.

The drive from Black Canyon to Arches National Park along Routes 50 and 191, winds north before heading west and then dipping south. It's about 182 miles, give or take a few, skirting two National Conservation Areas - McInnis Canyon and Dominguez-Escalante. The Bearded Man's lone stop was for breakfast at the Strayhorn Grill in Loma, Colorado. Opened by Bill and Sheryl Martin in 2009, the Strayhorn's home-cooked 'Sale Barn' breakfast of 2 eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast was as good as advertised. A Yeti full of coffee to go and The Bearded Man was off like a cheap prom dress.

Arches and Canyonlands National Park - two of Utah's five National Parks - are only a thirty minute drive apart. Since there are no campgrounds in Arches, The Bearded Man will set up camp in Canyonlands. Willow Flat Campground at Island in the Sky, sits atop a windswept mesa, a short walk from Green River overlook. "A perfect base of operations for touring two parks," states The Bearded Man. "If hell doesn't freeze over and the river don't rise, we'll be okay." What the f....?

Arches became a National Park in 1971, decades after being designated a National Monument by President Hoover in 1929. The creation of Arches recognizes over 10,000 years of human history that flourished in this now-famous landscape of rock. Among those rocks is Fiery Furnace. Here's how the park describes the Fiery Furnace ranger-led tour. "Everyone attending a Fiery Furnace tour should be aware of the demanding nature of this hike and properly equipped for current conditions, including temperature extremes. During this three-hour, strenuous hike, participants must walk and climb on irregular and broken sandstone, along narrow ledges above drop-offs, and in loose sand. There are gaps which must be jumped and narrow places that you must squeeze into and pull yourself up and through. In some of these places, you must hold yourself off the ground by pushing against the sandstone walls with your hands and feet." Here's what The Bearded Man had to say after completing the tour. "Demanding nature of the tour? Who wrote that review? Sally the malnourished art teacher?" We should probably leave that comment out of our report.

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During part of his Fiery Furnace tour, The Bearded Man says that he felt as though he was being watched. "I sensed the presence of someone with large eyes and a bulbous nose watching my every move.  It was unsettling." We filed a stalker report with a park ranger.

Back at Willow Flat Campground, The Bearded Man relaxed and dined on a carrot cake Cliff Bar, before getting ready for the evening ranger-led discussion, 'Animals in Arches' at Devils Garden Amphitheater. Considered somewhat of a wildlife expert, The Bearded Man was asked to say a few words on his choice of animal indigenous to the area. He chose the desert bighorn sheep. His talk began with the following sentences. "The typical diet of a desert bighorn sheep is mainly grasses. How many of you in the audience live mainly on grass? Anyone? Anyone?" Seventeen year old Timmy Bodine from Beaver, Pennsylvania was the only one to raise his hand and was immediately smacked in the back of his head by his mother Francis.   

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Timmy Bodine seated second from left, is clearly high. So are the rest of his pals, except Shawn Heacock on the far right. He got high once and tried to take his pants off over his head. He now drinks 13 Guinness each day.   

Being park Cherokee, The Bearded Man is always interested in the story of the American Indian as it relates to many of the parks, and Canyonlands is rich in American Indian history. Early farmers in the area are called the ancestral Puebloan (formerly known as Anasazi) and Fremont people. They grew maize, beans and squash, and kept dogs and turkeys. In order to tend their crops, they lived year-round in villages like those preserved at Mesa Verde National Park. Though the two groups overlapped, the Fremont lived mostly in central Utah, while the ancestral Puebloans occupied the Four Corners region. For many years, changing weather patterns made growing crops more and more difficult. Around A.D. 1300, the ancestral Puebloans left the area and migrated south. Before leaving, other groups appeared in the area, including the Ute and Paiute. The Navajo arrived from the north sometime after A.D. 1300. All three groups still live there today. 

After a lunch of campfire bacon and eggs, The Bearded Man set out to explore the Shafer Trail Road, 18 miles of dangerous dirt track that requires extreme caution for vehicles and bikes, even in the best of conditions. As dangerousroads.org explains, "This road has humbled many egos. It’s not for the sissies and shouldn’t be attempted by novice drivers. The road is in dreadful condition and requires strong nerves to negotiate it. It’s certainly breathtaking and it has a fearsome reputation. It still remains an adrenaline-pumping journey and is definitely not for the faint of lungs, heart, or legs." Translated...it's a perfect road for the VW van. "Highlights of this trip include well marked Indian petroglyphs and amazing natural stone arches. You’ll also have an opportunity to tackle the Schafer Switchbacks, a breathtaking climb with expansive views of the surrounding canyon-lands." As we said, perfect for The Bearded Man's van, so off he went, Steely Dan blasting on the 8-track.

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The notoriously dangerous Shafer Trail. The small speck behind a boulder at the bottom is The Bearded Man. We told him to use the bathroom before getting in the van.  

Following his adventure on the Shafer Trail, The Bearded Man settled in at Willow Flat for an evening of cooking and star gazing. An early dinner consisted of turkey bacon, lettuce and tomatoes wrapped in a toasted pita, a side of fresh green beans dipped in butter, all washed down with Vernor's ginger ale. Feeling full and pleased with himself - why not? - The Bearded Man cleaned up and walked over to the visitors center for the ranger-led star gazing program. Tonight's program included a rare six minute glimpse of the International Space Station at exactly 9:53 and The Bearded Man was excited, almost giddy. "To think that people are living on an object orbiting the earth at a speed of roughly 17,150 miles per hour, blows my mind. They are orbiting the earth once every 92 minutes. That's faster than most of my morning showers!" (Let's just act like he didn't say that.) As it appeared, a large white light, much larger than a plane or satellite, traveling southwest by northeast across the dark Utah sky, the people surrounding The Bearded Man fell silent. The space station seemed to glide silently across the sky, perfectly visible to the naked eye - much larger than anticipated. At one point, when it was directly overhead, you would swear it was possible to make out features on the space station. It was an awe inspiring encounter with human and technological accomplishment and grace that everyone should experience. Drop what you are doing and visit this site to see when the space station will be passing over your trailer park. https://spotthestation.nasa.gov/sightings/

Russian cosmonaut Vlad Pushkin preparing to board a rocket that will take him to the International Space Station. Note the special gloves designed for holding curved objects and the large cupboard in the rear, where the rocket is stored when not in use.

If you could drive in a straight line from Canyonlands to Capital Reef National Park, it would be about a 30 minute drive. But there are very few straight lines in this part of Utah, so the two hour and fifteen minute drive takes us north, before heading west and ultimately turning south on Route 24. One quick stop in Hanksville, just south of the confluence of the Fremont River and Muddy Creek, which together form the Dirty Devil River, and eventually end up in the Colorado River. Since skipping breakfast to get an early start, he thought a stop at Stan's Burger Shack was in order. A couple of bacon burgers and a chocolate shake later, he rolled over to the Hollow Mountain grocery/bait shop/gas station/souvenir stand, a must see for anyone interested in stores build inside a mountain (isn't everyone?). In need of a few supplies, he picked up a box matches, Altoids, a roll of duck tape, 6 Cow Tails, some AAA batteries, twine, a bar of soap, a map of California and a used paperback copy of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. They did not have any Chick-O-Sticks in stock.

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Two working payphones, bait and the largest selection of buffalo jerky between Kansas and New Mexico! But nothing could hide the bitter disappointment of no Chick-O-Sticks.  

The Waterpocket Fold Country in what is now Capital Reef National Park, was the last territory to be charted in the contiguous 48 states. In 1776, two Franciscan priests, Francisco Atanasio Domínguez and Silvestre Vélez de Escalante, left Santa Fe with the intention of finding a route to missions in Monterey, California. They made detailed recordings of their findings through Arizona, Colorado, and Utah during their trip.

In the winter of 1853, John Charles Fremont passed through Utah and Colorado, attempting to find a northern railroad route to the Pacific Ocean. The expedition was difficult and the explorers were forced to eat their horses before stumbling upon a Mormon settlement. Fremont took care to document their journey, hiring a daguerrotypist, Solomon Nunes Carvalho, to accompany them. Carvalho took nearly 300 daguerreotypes, most of which were unfortunately lost in a fire after the expedition. However, one of the remaining images was identified from the northern district of the park as the formation "Mom, Pop, and Henry". Fremont and his men also recorded their encounters with Ute and Southern Paiute Indians. 

The Fruita Campground is often described as an oasis within the desert. Adjacent to the Fremont River and surrounded by historic orchards, it is the only developed campground in Capitol Reef National Park. The Bearded Man set up camp and immediately set out for the Upper Pleasant Creek trailhead. The hike takes you along the creek for about a mile before giving way to deep, narrow canyons that require several stream crossings. After a while the canyon gives way to a broader expanse of small sandstone chutes and ponderosa pines which signals the western boundary of the park and serves as a turnaround point. On his hike back to camp, The Bearded Man met a few hikers from northern Michigan and struck up a conversation. "Where is Neebish Island?" "It's in the upper peninsula of Michigan, across the straights of Mackinac. It's pretty quiet up there. Just us, a few bears and passing freighters on the Saint Mary River." "Any theaters on the island?" "Nope. No theaters, no malls, no car dealers - hell, we don't even have a Starbucks. Just a campground store. Everything else you have to bring over on the ferry. Neebish is not for everyone. You have to like peace and quiet. Solitude." "How about a book store?" "Nope." "REI?" "Nope." "Does the camp store sell moon pies?" "Nope." "If they had moon pies I might have been able to swing it."

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A booming Neebish Island 1936. The closing of Stevie's Bait Shop in 1939, signaled the end of the population boom (well over 100 people!) Recently, rumor had Jimmy Hoffa buried under the dock by the old Candish house. When the FBI dug up the area they found skeletons of 124 cats and a case of unopened Dr. Pepper. 

Tired after his hike, and knowing that he had a few hours before his guided full moon walk, The Bearded Man returned to camp and immediately fell asleep. Up around 8:00 to make a fire for dinner of pepper stew and mixed green salad. Once fed, he walked over to the ranger station to meet ranger Bo, who was leading the full moon tour. Always eager to discuss the difference between a waning and waxing gibbous, The Bearded Man found ranger Bo to be well versed on the night sky and a delight to be around. A crowd of 15-20 visitors arrived and was treated to a tour of the heavens. Both ranger Bo and The Bearded Man spoke about the eight phases of the moon, how each of phase is instantaneous, lasting theoretically zero time, although they occur at slightly different times when viewed from different points on the Earth. Ranger Bo discussed the intervals between principal phases, when the Moon appears crescent-shaped or gibbous. How the shapes, and the periods of time when the Moon shows them, are called the intermediate phases. The Bearded Man droned on about time frames and how, on average, a phase is one-quarter of a synodic month, roughly 7.38 days, but their durations vary slightly because the Moon's orbit is slightly elliptical, and thus its speed in orbit is not constant. He closed with 10 minutes on why the descriptor waxing is used for an intermediate phase when the Moon's apparent size is increasing, from new moon toward full moon, and waning when the size is decreasing. As one attendee from Turtle Shell, Alabama so eloquently put it, "Damn, those boys know what's what and what isn't. I thought a gibbous was a kind of monkey. Sheeeeit." Well said Mr. Alabamian, well said.

About a two hour drive mostly due south is Bryce Canyon National Park. Up early with the sun, The Bearded Man is planning breakfast at the Koosharem Cafe and video store in (where else?) Koosharem, Utah before heading into the park. With over one review on Trip Advisor, it seemed like a can't miss. As The Bearded Man likes to say, "It's hard to mess up an egg, unless it's bad." (He truly is a man of great wisdom.) Breakfast turned out to be delicious - Four strips of bacon, three eggs over easy, well done hash brown, buttered wheat toast and a Coca-Cola. Our waitress even gave us a to-go cup of Coke. Now that's service with a smile and his tip of 25% reflected his approval. (Editors Note: As a rule, The Bearded Man is a generous tipper. The exception is when his server sneezes on the food just prior to placing on the table. Even then he leaves 10% and a monogrammed handkerchief - TBM.)     

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Right down the street from the Koosharem Cafe/video store, a few fellas pose for us at the Koosharem hardware/post office, which is right next door to Dr. Nutfloat's office/cattle feed store. 

with Mesa Verde and Great Sand Dunes in the rearview, The Bearded Man spends a few days in Rocky Mountain National Park

It was a long week for The Bearded Man. Tuesday morning he was attacked by a black-billed magpie in Mesa Verde National Park, leaving him with a needle-like mark on the bridge of his nose and missing half of his left eyebrow. According to Ranger Bob (two-beer Bob to friends and colleagues) the magpie was probably trying to nest in The Bearded Man's beard, which we find amusingly ironic. Tuesday evening, while pulling up his boots, a pack of whip scorpions repeatedly stung his left big toe - allegedly while hissing "take that." Ranger Bob insists that scorpions do not hiss words while stinging. He was quick to add however, that "the Vinegaroon scorpion has been known to occasionally quote Mark Twain." (Maybe it should be 24-beer Bob.)

Both of the incidents on Tuesday were mere preludes to Thursday's mishap in Great Sand Dunes National Park. In short, here's what happened. In an attempt to sand-board down the dunes, a popular sport in the park, The Bearded Man strapped on his snow skis and pointed them downhill. An avid snow skier, he was excited to try his skills on sand. There was only one small problem...sand-boarding requires special equipment with a very slick base. As it turns out, it only took about 10 seconds and the dead stop of his skis to clearly illustrate this point. Unfortunately for The Bearded Man, he did not stop when his skis did. Nope, he kept right on going, head over heels, head over heels, scattering people as he went. His screams could be heard for several miles. After gathering himself from his yard sale, he issued the following press release: Great Sand Dunes National Park, July 12, 2016. The Bearded Man is pleased to announce the creation of a new sport. "I believe human sand bowling will explode in the next 12 months. I am pleased to have created a sport that can be played by the entire family, right here in Great Sand Dunes National Park." We love this guy, but some days we think he has the IQ of a peanut.

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Great Sand Dunes National Park at sunset. Home of X Games human sand bowling. Danny Davis wins inaugural event. 

Mesa Verde became a national park in 1906 when President Theodore Roosevelt (of Teddy T fame) created the park to preserve the iconic cliff dwellings. It is home to numerous ruins of villages and dwellings built by the Ancient Pueblo peoples, sometimes called the Anasazi, who lived in the dwellings from approximately 600 to 1300 AD. With over 4000 archaeological sites and over 600 cliff dwellings of the Pueblo people at the site, it remains the only cultural park in the National Park System.

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Cliff Palace made entirely of Legos. Wait, we are being told that this is an actual photo of Cliff Palace. The Lego version is available on Ebay for $39.95. A Lego tree set is also available for an additional $29.95. 

The most famous Mesa Verde dwelling is Cliff Palace. Dating back more than 700 years and thought to be once painted with bright colors, the 150 room dwelling constructed from sandstone, wooden beams and mortar, is the largest in the park. Visitors to Mesa Verde are only allowed access to Cliff Palace via a one-hour, 1/4 mile, rather strenuous ranger-guided tour. The Bearded Man, still recovering from the magpie attack, chugged his way up, over and through the 120 uneven stone steps and five 8-10 foot ladders on his 100 foot vertical climb. He was reportedly overheard saying something to the effect of "I need a soft bed, a back rub and a Boston Cooler." Editors Note: A Boston Cooler is Vernor's Ginger Ale over vanilla ice cream. It is a Detroit original and why it is called a Boston Cooler is anyone's guess. However, rumor has it that it was named after Detroit's affluent Boston Boulevard to class it up a bit. One hundred and thirty five years later The Bearded Man is asking for one in Mesa Verde. So much for classing it up.

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A Boston Cooler or Vernor's Float, being served with a smile by Eddie Skinks of Detroit's little known corrupt soda fountain gang. Not tipping Eddie proved to be a mistake.

After enjoying a 60 minute ranger presentation at the Morefield Amphitheater (topic: why we wear wool), The Bearded Man settled in for the evening at the Fair View Lodge. (As an aside, if you built a beautiful lodge, why would you say it only had a fair view? Why not the Spectacular View Lodge? Or at least the Above Average View Lodge. Wait, I just found my glasses. Uh oh, it's called Far View lodge. Never mind.)  Sitting on a high shoulder of Mesa Verde the Far View Lodge offers panoramic vistas into three states (now I really feel stupid.). It's a simple lodge, quiet enough to hear the ravens fly by. No TV, no internet. As the brochure says, " Nothing fancy. Absolutely beautiful. Peaceful. A place to linger and appreciate why people lived here for seven centuries." But not a masseuse or Boston Cooler in sight. What kind of a joint is this?

Up early Wednesday and heading northeast on Route 160 to Great Sand Dunes National Park. Only one planned stop for the 3 1/2 hour drive and that's the famous Hot Springs of Pagosa, Colorado. For centuries, visitors have touted the miraculous curative powers of these ancient waters. The first published testament to the healing benefits was written in 1890 by Dr. J. L. Weaver, U.S. Army Surgeon, following his experiences with several chronically ill soldiers. Add to that the healing powers proclaimed by The Bearded Man. "After one hour of soaking in the hot springs, the razor and flange cuts on my fingers were healed, the scar on my leg from an unfortunate run-in with a kayak was gone and my eyebrow grew back. I've filled 27 Gatorade bottles with this water for the rest of my trip. That's legal isn't it?" Probably not, but you try reasoning with a man who believes hot springs can make an eyebrow grow back.

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The Kato family has been luxuriating in the restorative powers of Paragosa Hot Springs for years. Mr. Kato is 113 years old. Mrs. Kato is 97 and their children Biff, Bingo and Bobby, range in age from 71 - 76. They are also avid Safeway shoppers and it was recently reported that Mrs. Kato's mailman had dark hair.

Before arriving at Great Sand Dunes National Park, The Bearded Man checked into his room at Zapata Ranch, where he was scheduled to take a two hour bison tour. Offering the opportunity to see various species of wildlife including, coyote, elk, deer, antelope, rabbits, porcupines, great horned owls, red tailed hawks, and golden eagles, he was on the bus 45 minutes before the guide. This particular tour also included a stop at the at the Old Medano Headquarters, a set of ranch buildings that date to the 1870’s and are listed on the National Register of Historic Places. When the Bearded Man inquired as to whether or not "bison rides" were available, he was politely ignored. 

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Bison riding, once an Olympic sport, has largely faded from public view. This photo of Dick Standoff, was taken in 1935, shortly before Mr. Standoff was thrown from the bison and mauled by a pet grizzly bear that was following him in the 'Celebrate Nature' parade.

Thursday morning, after a peaceful evening and hearty breakfast at Zapata Ranch, The Bearded Man drove a few miles down the road to Great Sand Dunes National Park. As mentioned earlier, the sand-boarding incident was just ahead, but prior to his spectacular dirt-dive, he did a little horseback riding on the Mosca Pass Trail. An accomplished horseman, The Bearded Man was asked to lead a small caravan of riders on a beautiful seven mile out and back. The trail meanders through aspen forests before opening to meadows bursting with colorful wildflowers and what is obviously the vacation home of every mosquito east of the Mississippi. The Bearded Man's assessment, "All in all a peaceful ride and within a few days I'm certain the swelling will go down. Would love to stay and share in some friendly banter, but I'm off to sand-ski." You know the rest of that story.  "Look everyone I'm skiing on sand," and he eats it.

Before heading back to Zapata Ranch, The Bearded Man took in a perfect evening of sights and sounds. They say "Half the park is after dark!" and with a combination of dry air, little light pollution, and high elevation, the night sky at Great Sand Dunes is perfect for viewing thousands of stars on a clear moonless night. Add the sound of a burrowing owl and you have the making of a beautiful night. The Bearded Man would have gladly slept under the stars, if not for being awakened by a raccoon filching the Moon Pie from his pocket. However before leaving, the raccoon shared an Almond Joy he had just pilfered from Mrs. Edleman's tent. 

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The Milky Way (part of the famous candy line-up) seen above an approaching storm. Was the Milky Way named after the Milky Way. Deep thoughts by Mr. Man.

Back at the ranch (literally), The Bearded Man had a spectacular meal of grilled salmon, asparagus, garlic mashed potatoes and a green salad with walnuts, dried cherries and feta cheese, topped by a mild rosemary vinaigrette. A glass of Bullett Bourbon and our fearless traveler went to bed happy as a clam, ready for the five hour drive due north to Rocky Mountain National Park. There is an unsubstantiated rumor however, that The Bearded Man was seen in the kitchen around 3 AM, drinking milk and making waffles with a raccoon.    

Route 24 winds its way north through small towns and beautiful vistas, eventually splicing into Route 91. Past Mt. Princeton, Mt. Harvard and Mt. Lincoln, named after two schools with dropouts that include Robert Frost, Bonnie Raitt, Norman Flipstone and a pretty good President, respectively. Leadville, Colorado sits directly on Route 91, a little over half way between Great Sand Dunes and Rocky Mountains National Park. Established during the Pikes Peak gold rush in 1859 and permanently founded in 1877, Leadville was also part of the Colorado silver boom and was know for its colorful residents as much as its mining.  Doc Holliday took up residence after the shootout at the OK Corral and promptly shot an ex-policeman over a $5 bet. Holliday was tried and found innocent by reason of intimidation. Shortly thereafter, Marshall Mart Duggan came to town and whipped Leadville into shape. Historian Robert Dearment writes: "Mart Duggan was a quick-shooting, hard-drinking, brawling tough Irish man." Of course he was shot in 1889 after retiring as Marshall. Hollywood brought him back to life as Sheriff Matt Dillon on Gunsmoke in the 1950's. Dillon remained television's most popular bad-ass until 1975, when writers at CBS failed to find a plausible way to have Dillon wear a pair of bell-bottoms.

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The cast of Gunsmoke, 1967. They agreed to sit for this photo only after everyone agreed to have both hands where the others could see them. Doc, ever the rebel and pocket pool player, kept one hand in his pocket and the other under his hat. He was severely reprimanded and subsequently written out of a love scene with Kitty as punishment. He died a broken man and was buried with his hands in his pockets.

Rocky Mountains...Just the name conjures up images of majestic peaks, alpine valleys flush with bursting streams, abundant wildlife and open sky. And in no way does Rocky Mountain National Park disappoint. The Bearded Man rolled into the park late Friday after spending much of the afternoon in Leadville, searching for relatives of the lead character in Wallace Stegner's Pulitzer Prize winning novel, 'The Angle of Repose.' The key word in the previous sentence is 'novel' and with that you can determine the outcome of his search. But we digress. Having spent the past several night in various lodges, The Bearded Man was ready to get back to sleeping on the land and eagerly set up camp at Glacier Basin Campground on the eastern border of the park. A few minutes of stargazing and the sharp lullaby of distant elk put our fearless leader to sleep in minutes. Somewhere the elk were put to sleep by the distant lullaby of his snoring.

With over 300 miles of trails, Rocky Mountain is a hikers dream. So after 7 cups of coffee and a Cliff bar (blueberry crunch) The Bearded Man set out for Bluebird Lake via the Wild Basin trail head. A 6 mile walk offering views of Longs Peak and the Keyboard of the Winds from Mills Lake, this hike is considered one of Rocky's finest. However, with an elevation gain of almost 2,500 feet, it's a fairly strenuous hike, unless your are the physical specimen that is The Bearded Man. Years of training and Moon Pies has prepared him for virtually any hike, regardless of distance or elevation. He is truly ripped and ready to roll. Upon returning to his campsite, he gave an impromptu talk on how the differential movements along faults in the park disrupted drainage patterns, resulting in higher mountains, waterfalls and large valley areas around Estes Valley. He was given a standing ovation by the 4 campers who were there and managed to stay awake through the entire lecture. At that precise moment the caffeine wore off and he was asleep in minutes. 

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We had no idea someone had written a book about moon pies. We had no idea anyone outside of a few people living in trailers knew what a moon pie was. 

The Rocky Mountain Elk or Wapiti (white rump) is one of the most majestic North American animals living today. Thousands of these beautiful, powerful, and graceful creatures roam the Valles Caldera National Preserve by the hundreds, and the best way to see them is on a ranger-led tour. The Bearded Man's tour was lead by Ranger Norm, a stout and hearty man originally from Wisconsin. Naturally, Ranger Norm recognized our boy and asked if he could lead a portion of the tour. As a long standing member of The Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation (RMEF.org), The Bearded Man was ready to jump in and throw out a few facts. "Calves are born spotted and scentless as camouflage from predators and spend their first few weeks hiding motionless while their mothers feed. Just like my brothers and I." Moving right along.

You would think the last thing The Bearded Man would want to do is get behind the wheel. But Rocky Mountain is a vast park and there are views that you can only access from park roads. Opened in 1920, Old Fall River Road earned the distinction of being the first auto route in Rocky Mountain National Park offering access to the park's high country. The road follows a path traveled many years ago by Indian hunters in search of the area's plentiful game. In the minds of many park visitors, the relatively subtle old route remains a must see. With a posted speed limit of 15 miles per hour, the 11-mile-long primarily gravel old road quietly leads patient travelers from Horseshoe Park (a short distance west of the Fall River Entrance) through the park's wilderness to Fall River Pass, 11,796 feet above sea level. The journey to the alpine world at the top of Old Fall River Road is breathtaking and relaxing. The experience is one to be savored and The Bearded Man did just that. "One of the trip highlights so far. Tough to beat Taurino's chalupas, but this is right up there." 

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Panhandling elk on Old Fall River Road. Immediately after this photo, the one in the middle walked up to the van and cleaned the windshield. He asked for a dollar and we gave him a five spot. He also asked if we had any cigarettes.

Back at camp, The Bearded man cooked up a fine dinner, complete with turkey stew, green beans and a skillet of cornbread. (Say what you will, the man has skills.) After scullery, he strolled down to the Glacier Basin Amphitheater for a presentation entitled 'The Bear Naked Truth'. Here is the overview: "Bears Everywhere! Roaming through the park, black bears thrive in harsh environments. With a little help from their friends, black bears can continue to leave their paw prints across the landscape for future generations." Naturally, The Bearded Man did not read the overview and came prepared to discuss something other than bears. Which explains his initial remark during the opening Q&A session. "Personally, I don't have an issue with camp nudity." Silence ensued. On his way back to camp he was approached by Paulette (dressed in her finest moo-moo) who softly said "neither do I" and kept on walking. The Bearded Man slept in his van.

This is how you get from Rocky Mountain National Park to The Bearded Man's next stop, Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park. Route 34 to Route 40 to Route 131 to Route 133. A little shy of five hours on blue highways, skirting the Arapaho and White River National Forests, Capital Peak and Needle Rock. His one stop along the way is in Gypsum, Colorado, to take in a bit of the Gypsum Classic Car Show and grab lunch at Ekahi Grill, "A taste of Hawaii in the mountains!" The Bearded Man should arrive at Black Canyon with a belly full of Kauai chicken (#11 on the menu board) and hopefully not driving a 1963 El Camino. 

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This is a die cast model of an El Camino. It is worth more than the actual car.

Bearded Man finishes stay at Petrified Forest NP and heads to Colorado's Mesa Verde NP

After sleeping in his van Saturday night, in the parking lot behind Chrystal Forest Museum and Gift Shop at the entrance to Petrified Forest, The Bearded Man was up at the crack of dawn on Sunday. As mentioned earlier, there are no campgrounds inside the park, but several just outside. So The Bearded Man drove up Route 180 to Sun Valley RV Resort, paid his $5 and had a nice hot shower. (As a side note - The word 'resort' is sometimes used out of context.) Last stop before heading into the park, the world famous Wigwam Motel, where he reserved a wigwam for Sunday night. (Side note #2 - The term 'world famous' is sometimes used out of context.)

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Teepees at Wigwam Motel, conveniently located just across the street from Safeway, a proud sponsor of The Bearded Man Tour. A Safeway spokesperson recently stated, "We are unaware of any such sponsorship."

Located a few blocks off historic Route 66, Wigwam Village was originally the brainchild of Frank Redford, who built the first Wigwam Village in Cave City, Kentucky in 1938. When Chester E. Lewis, who owned several motels along Route 66 in Arizona, saw Wigwam Village he knew he had found a winner and set out to build a Wigwam Village of his own. However, since the idea belonged to Mr. Redford (who later became well known as The Sundance Kid, but don't quote us on that) they had to work out a financial arrangement to compensate Mr. Redford for the use of his idea. As a result, radios were placed in each Wigwam that would play for 30 minutes for a silver dime and Mr. Redford received the 'radio dimes' for a period of several years. We've been told that Mr. Redford died penniless, but with over $346,000 in dimes.

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There were seven Wigwam Villages built from the 1930's to the 1950's from Florida to California. We are pretty sure that a few have been converted to drive-thru Starbucks.

Petrified Forest was originally created as a National Monument by Teddy Roosevelt in 1906, Petrified Forest was designated as a National Park by John F. Kennedy in 1962. The brilliant colors in the petrified wood, from which the park takes its name, come mainly from three minerals. Pure quartz is white, manganese oxides form blue, purple, black, and brown, and iron oxides provide hues from yellow through red to brown. In addition, over 50,000 acres of the park are designated wilderness. Hundreds of species of plants and animals can be found in the park, including pronghorn, Gunnison's prairie dog, coyote, bobcat, bullsnake, Arizona tiger salamander, meadowlark, golden eagle and the ever-elusive black-throated blue warbler. The Bearded Man claims a black-throated blue warbler landed on the hood of his van and sang a song just for his enjoyment. On a related note, the Audubon Society has recently revoked his membership. Reason given, and we quote, "Birds to not sing and dance for our member's personal enjoyment. Good day sir. I said good day!" Apparently Willie Wonka is now running the Audubon Society. 

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A black-throated blue warbler preparing to download a few songs for his evening performance. Obviously the Audubon Society was mistaken.

Over 10,000 years of human history can be found in the park, including more than 800 archeological and historic sites. Puerco Pueblo was built by the ancestral Puebloan people, occupied between A.D. 1200 and 1400. Agate House was occupied about A.D. 1100-1150 and was built out of pieces of petrified wood. During the 20th century, Herbert David Lore built Painted Desert Inn in 1924. Later, using designs by National Park Service architect Lyle Bennett, the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) reconstructed the Painted Desert Inn in the late 1930s. 

The Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC), established by Congress in 1933, is largely responsible for building the park's roads, trails, culverts and structures. As the generation who participated in the CCC passes, the legacy of their work lives on. When you visit the park, drive the roads, hike a trail, or explore the Painted Desert Inn, take a few moments to reflect on the CCC, the men who labored on these projects, and the investment America made during its most desperate economic period. The Civilian Conservation Corps' hard work all those years ago still continues to pay off today.

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View from the terrace of Painted Desert Inn. The boy is Herbert Studdmonkey who grew up to become the first man to cross The Mojave Desert on his hands.

The Bearded Man spent most of his Sunday, hiking and exploring Devil's Playground. A difficult hike for which you must receive a permit. This is what to say when you apply - "One permit to hike through ridiculously difficult, rattlesnake infested, ankle twisting terrain please." Devil's Playground is "a strangely beautiful, highly eroded part of the park" and considered one of the most interesting landscapes in the world. The Bearded Man says he was lured into the hike after reading a review by Giancarlo Gianovese on Trip Advisor. "Il doppio parco, Painted Desert e Petrified Forest, ha vari punti di grande interesse. Sicuramente questo è il principale in quanto il più complesso, al quale dedicare maggior tempo." So true Giancarlo...so true.

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Devil's Playground. We believe the rock on the right is in fact a discarded carving of Keith Richards.

Before heading back to his teepee for the night, The Bearded Man stopped in the park's bookstore, operated by the Petrified Forest Museum Foundation (send us an email and we will shamelessly plug your organization) to see if they had any books by Will Rogers, one of his favorite authors. They had a copy of 'Illiterate Digest', so he is all set for the evening. By the way, if you haven't read Will Rogers you should. Anyone who thinks like this is worth getting to know: "There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works." And this timely observation, "A fool and his money are soon elected." And finally, "When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging."  I gotta remember that one.

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Will Rodgers with his family and their dog. Will once said, "If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Fortunately for Mr. Rogers, we have it on good authority that dogs in fact do go to heaven, where they are reunited with the neighbor's dog and Mrs. Gumwhittie's leg. 

Monday morning, The Bearded Man will leave Arizona and drive about five hours northeast on Highway 191 and 160, to Mesa Verde National Park in Colorado. Along the way he will be making a stop at the Mexican Water Trading Post in Mexican Water, Arizona. According to YELP, this is the only 'authorized' Doritos dealer between Petrified Forest and Mesa Verde. We will keep our eyes open for any 'unauthorized' Doritos dealers. 

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A family of 'unauthorized' Doritos smugglers. Dad takes the heat while Pip calls their attorney and Betsy tries to get rid of the evidence. A sad scene played out all across America. Note Betsy's look of defiance. 

The Bearded Man leaves 'charismatic' Saguaro NP and heads to Petrified Forest NP

Yesterday, The Bearded Man arrived at Saguaro NP, just in time for the afternoon ranger-led discussion of Desert Dragons. (We will not discuss the fact that he only attended the discussion because he actually thought a desert dragon was in fact a magical fire-breathing dragon that lived in the desert.) Immediately after the discussion, The Bearded Man was overheard asking the ranger, "What the hell was Noah thinking?" 

Saguaro National Park is home to what its marketing department calls "some of America's most charismatic reptiles." These include Gila monsters, Western coral snakes, desert tortoises and six species of rattlesnakes (6!!). Saguaro is obviously also home to the most delusional marketing department on planet Earth. For example, here's a conversation you probably won't hear any time soon. ATTENDING EMERGENCY ROOM PHYSICIAN - "Are you sure it was a charismatic rattlesnake that bit you, Mrs. Pepper?" BACK COUNTRY HIKER - "Definitely. I mean the way he moved so smoothly, his hiss was enchanting and he had a mischievous twinkle in his eye."  

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The ever charismatic Reaper Western Desert Dragon, sans top hat and cane.

Located on the edge of the Sonoran Desert, but with Mica Mountain hovering at an elevation  of 8,600 feet, Saguaro is home to a wide variety of plants and animals, many of which are only found in southern Arizona. The roadrunner, kangaroo rat, horned lizards, collared peccaries, black bears and white-tailed deer are all found in Saguaro's diverse ecosystem. The park is also home to over 25 species of cacti, including the Carnegiea Gigante, for which the park is named. It is also home to our personal favorite, the Ferocactus Wislizenii or fishhook barrel cactus. Currently, the Saguaro marketing department is struggling between the following two descriptions of the various cacti for their next brochure: Playful, charming, delightful and enigmatic - OR - Do not touch the cacti because it will take approximately three years to remove the embedded thorn from your finger. I'm guessing they go with the first one.

As an avid bird watcher, The Bearded Man claims to have spotted the elusive vermilion flycatcher during an evening hike atop Heartbreak Ridge. And while we normally accept his bird spotting claims, The Bearded Man was himself spotted in the lobby of The Sun Catcher Inn, sipping an umbrella drink when he was supposedly hiking the Rincon Peak Trail. The addition of a raging lightening storm did not help his assertion. 

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Oh look, a vermilion flycatcher. Oh look, he's on fire! 

As with Guadalupe Mountains NP, Saguaro does not have any in-park lodging. So after careful consideration, The Bearded Man chose to stay at the aforementioned Sun Catcher Inn, whose full name is The Sun Catcher Inn, Fine Country Inn. And let's just put this on the table. Any inn that tells you they are a Fine Inn in its name, has confidence in itself, but perhaps very little in the public at large. In any case, The Bearded Man stayed in The Vaqueros Room, complete with a steer's skull above the bed and "a cozy place to read." Also, because his reputation precedes him, The Bearded Man was given a complimentary pass to the Casino Del Sol Resort's 'Soak Pool Party,' where he proceeded to demonstrate the proper technique of a cannonball - much to the chagrin of those sitting poolside. Within minutes a random cannonball party ensued, several people were injured and The Bearded Man was escorted off the premises. It was later reported that a Snickers bar with one bite taken out of it was found floating in the deep end. 

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After The Bearded Man showed up, things got out of hand quickly. This photo was taken prior to the discovery of the Snickers bar.

The drive from Saguaro to Petrified Forest NP, is about five hours. Traveling northeast on US 60, bypassing Phoenix and picking up Route 77, before heading into the park via I-40, the trip takes The Bearded Man through Tonto National Forest and further north, Apache-Sitgreaves National Forest. There are two planned stops along the way, with the first being Snowflake, Arizona. Named after early Mormon leaders, Erastus Snow and William Jordan Flake, it is now home to the Church of the Latter Day Saints Snowflake Temple. For decades, town leaders have pondered the question of how the town would have developed a different personality had it been founded by Erastus Woody and William Jordan Held. Unfortunately, we will never know.

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Mr. Held says he has never been to Snowflake, Arizona. We're looking into what we believe is his false claim.

Before arriving at Petrified Forest NP and reclining in the parking lot beside Highway 180, The Bearded Man has one last stop at the Painted Desert Indian Center. According to its Facebook page (a whopping 250 likes!) the center offers "one of the finest selections of authentic Native jewelry, rugs, sand paintings, Kachina dolls and pottery in the area". Of course we would expect nothing less from the only store in the area that offers these items. 

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We have it from a reliable source that the dinosaurs at Painted Desert Indian Center are in fact the dinosaurs used in the making of Jurassic Park.  We believe this is also where the actual "moon landing" was filmed.

Bearded Man arrives in Carlsbad Caverns NP

After a short 40 mile drive from Guadalupe Mountains NP in Texas, The Bearded Man promptly checked into the Trinity Hotel in Carlsbad, New Mexico, about 25 miles from the Carlsbad Caverns NP entrance and fell asleep. Although there are no lodging facilities inside the park, the town of Carlsbad offers a wide variety of options. Our man chose the Trinity Hotel for it's history, food and comfy beds. According to our traveler, "I was was so tired my eyelids hurt".  In any case, 14 hours of sleep was in order and we now have a refreshed Bearded Man.

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The Trinity Hotel in Carlsbad, NM. Originally built in 1892 as the First National Bank and only photographed when the sky is deep blue.

At the intersection of the southern Rocky Mountain Range, northern Chihuahuan Desert and southwestern Great Plains bio-goegraphic provinces, Carlsbad represents a diverse ecosystem including the karst system (a what?) that created Carlsbad Caverns. While most of the caves people are familiar with - such as Mammoth Cave in Kentucky - were formed by rainwater slowly dissolving limestone, the caves of the Guadalupe Mountains were formed in a different fashion. Between 4 and 6 million years ago (pre-internet) hydrogen/sulfide rich waters began to move through fractures in the limestone. When mixed with rainwater it formed sulfuric acid (H2SO4 for those keeping score at home), which dissolved the limestone and formed Carlsbad Cavern. This now concludes the scientific portion of our lesson today - There will be a short quiz after lunch. 

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People with an obvious death wish...I mean, early visitors being lowered into the cave in a bucket.

After a self-guided hike through the natural entrance to the caverns, The Bearded Man will be taking a park ranger guided tour through The Kings Palace today, some 830 feet below the desert. He feels most fortunate since Thursday's guided tour is through Spider Cave. And even though he has no fear of spiders - unlike some sissies - we share his feelings that any cave with the word 'spider' in it should be avoided. I mean, what if the spiders are 3 feet tall with track shoes and a pellet gun? Why risk it. 

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Natural opening to Carlsbad Cavern. Some experts in the field call it a hole in the ground.

"The Dawn of the Bats", one of the most unique occurrences at any national park, takes place at Carlsbad Caverns. Each summer people gather in the evening at the entrance to the cave and watch hundreds of thousands of Brazilian free-tailed bats fly out of the cave in their nightly search for food (and the necks of young innocent people if I'm not mistaken). But few witness their return just before dawn. Unfortunately, the annual "Dawn of the Bats" event takes place on July 17th and The Bearded Man will be somewhere around Rocky Mountain National Park by then. So he will have to be content to see the exit of the bats this evening (while wearing three turtlenecks) before finishing the night with a star gazing expedition and heading back to the comfort of the Trinity Hotel.

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Brazilian free-tailed bats leaving Carlsbad Cavern in search of food, the closest Taco Bell and your girlfriend's neck.

Thursday morning The Bearded Man will be driving west across New Mexico on US 10, heading into Arizona, on his way to Saguaro National Park, just outside Tucson. The trip should take about 8 hours, so there are a couple of planned stops along the way. First stop is Cloudcroft, New Mexico, a small town of about 850 people. Located in the Lincoln National Forest, at an elevation of 8,600, Cloudcroft is typically a good 20 degrees cooler than towns only 30 minutes away at lower elevations. It is also home to Big Daddy's Diner, serving the best fried peanut butter & jelly sandwich in the state of New Mexico. And let's be honest here, you simply can't pass up a chance to eat something that healthy. Peruse the Big Daddy menu for yourself. http://www.bigdaddysdinercloudcroft.com/menus.html

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Big Daddy's Diner, home of the fried peanut butter & jelly sandwich and a defibrillator in every booth. 

The Bearded Man's second stop on his way to Saguaro NP is in Bowie, Arizona, home of the world famous Geronimo's Castle. A large teepee that was once a Greyhound Bus Station (I think my dad slept there once - or a week), a filling station and later a bar with the best bar marketing line of all time - "Stop in for a bottle of beer". Brilliant! But while many say Geronimo was captured on the spot of Geronimo's Castle, which would at least explain the first part of the name, alas, Geronimo was neither captured here, nor did he live in a castle. It's a shame really, because The Bearded Man can't "Stop in for a bottle of beer". He will however need to get something to drink while in Bowie, as that fried PB&J is stuck...right about here.

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Geronimo was not captured here. Geronimo did not sleep here. Geronimo did have several beers here.

You thought we forgot about the quiz, didn't you? Wrong! Sit down and get out a sharpened #2 pencil (is there a #3 pencil?). Question 1: What is a karst system? Question 2: What do we call people who are afraid of spiders? Question 3: Do bats turn people into vampires as we have long suspected? Please submit your answers to LCSmith@TheMountCo.com for your chance to win an autographed Teddy T. We have no idea who we can find to sign the T-shirt, but it will in fact be signed.

Bearded Man leaves Big Bend and sets off for Guadalupe Mountains National Park

We at TheMountCo are sometimes reluctant to share our Bearded Man conversations with the public at large. He is opinionated and at times rather crass. But we love him and after all, he is our logo. So for better or worse, onward and upward we go.

"It's very difficult to leave a park," says The Bearded Man. "Each one has been unique and I'm trying to figure out how many years it's going to take for me to return and spend more time. You boys better sell more of those God-awful T-shirts with my face on it so my royalty checks keep growing.  This old van eats gas like a chubby kid eats hot dogs." Like we said. "I meant to ask you guys, why are there trees coming out of my head? You couldn't just give me a hat or a woman in a bikini up there?"  Ah, we do love the man whose face represents our company. Such a card.

The drive north from Big Bend NP to Guadalupe Mountains NP is relatively short - about 4 hours. With one stop in Valentine, Texas to visit with the survivors of the 1932 earthquake. Actually they are all gone, but one of the kids of a survivor - Taurino meaning 'bull like' in Spanish and not to be confused with the car - promised to make The Bearded Man chicken, beans and rice chalupas if he stopped.  He should arrive at Guadalupe Mountains by early afternoon on Sunday and stay thru the Fourth of July. He will regret eating 12 chalupas.

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Taurino's famous hand made chalupas. 

The Bearded Man will be camping at the Dog Canyon campsite and has hired 9 locals to surround his tent at night to prevent any black-tailed rattlesnakes from entering his tent. These locals will also be hiking the Smith Spring Loop Trail with The Bearded Man to further protect against snake attack. 

The Bearded Man's rattlesnake posse. They are all willing to take a bite for The Bearded Man.  

Evidence of inhabitants in The Guadalupe Mountains dates back over 10,000 years, including Spanish and Apache settlements. Until the late 1800's, the mountains were a sanctuary for the Mescalero Apaches. However, after the end of the Civil War they were displaced by the Buffalo Soldiers to make way for the ever westward expanding transportation routes and the accompanying pioneers and their temporary settlements. The Butterfield stage route was thought to be a precursor to a rail line, but the territory proved to inhospitable and the railroad and permanent settlements never materialized. One of the first settlers that did stay was Felix McKittrick and McKittrick Canyon is thought to be named after him.

The establishment of a National Park was discussed as early as 1923, but it wasn't until oil man Wallace Pratt came along and began to buy land in and around McKittrick Canyon that the idea began to gain traction. Pratt built two separate homes in the canyon, the Pratt Cabin (clever name) and the Ship-On-The-Desert located at the mouth of the canyon. Both were used by the Pratt family until 1960, when nearly 6,000 acres of the canyon were donated and became the genesis of Guadalupe National Park.

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Wallace Pratt cabin. No AC, no Wi-Fi, no attached garage. An amazing tale of hardship and survival.

The Fourth of July is a big day in the world of The Bearded Man. If he was at home he would proudly hang the American flag from his front porch, grill some salmon, fry a little okra and maybe whip up some banana pudding. When the sun goes down he would have run around in circles with a handful of sparklers (fireworks are banned at The Bearded Man's home ever since Peanut blew off his left ear listening to "see what a bottle rocket sounds like"). This year, instead of sparklers, he will happily watch a magnificent north Texas sunset and spend a few hours satellite hunting and gazing at the vast array of stars - surrounded by his rattlesnake posse - before settling in for the night. 

Editors Note: They are still looking for Peanut's ear and there is a $20 Walmart gift card being offered as a reward. Do not call with tips - he can't hear the phone.

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Peanut with both ears, before the unfortunate bottle rocket incident.

Tuesday morning, July 3rd, The Bearded Man heads to Carlsbad Caverns National Park in New Mexico. A mere 40 minutes to the northeast, the drive has no planned stops. This is subject to change should a quality roadside food stand pop up.

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A quality roadside food stand.

Bearded Man reluctantly leaves Hot Springs behind and heads for Big Bend NP in Texas

Up with the sun, The Bearded Man pulled on his favorite pair of Mugsy jeans (yes the BM is a Mugsy Man www.mugsyjeans.com) and headed for the open road.  After luxuriating in hot springs for a few days, The Bearded Man knew that if he didn't hit the road early he would be very content to laze about in the warm water for another day (or three).  But Big Bend National Park in south Texas, about 20 miles from the Mexican border, is calling and he must obey.  So in the van and off he goes.

From Hot Springs NP to Big Bend is about a 13 hour drive, so there are a few scheduled stops along the way. First up is Fate, Texas, where The Bearded Man will be paying one of his 17 outstanding traffic violations.  When we inquired as to the nature of the violation and why on God's green earth would you ever go to Fate, Texas, he simply replied "I'm trying very hard to remember her name."  We did not ask any follow up questions.  In any case, after municipal court, the plan is to grab a quick bite at Macks BBQ (972) 722-4343 give em a call for carry-out) and then hit the road. Next stop is Ranger, Texas and the infamous Peckers Fried Chicken.  Yep, we thought the same thing.  With a name like Peckers, you better have some damn fine chicken. We will let you know after The Bearded Man has some wings on Walnut Street.

Provided all goes well, and they don't lock him up in Fate, (insert pun here), The Bearded Man should be pulling into Big Bend around 7:00 PM, where a big comfy bed awaits at the Chisos Mountains Lodge Cottages. (NOTE to HOUSEKEEPER: Count the towels upon departure.) Prior to jumping into bed, there is a scheduled star gazing expedition since Big Bend has less light pollution than any other NP in the lower 48. And after all - the stars at night, are big and bright, clap, clap, clap, clap, deep in the heart of Texas. Come on everyone...sing along.  The stars at night, are big and bright, clap, clap, clap, clap, deep in the heart of Texas. 

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After a good night's sleep, our intrepid traveler is scheduled to be a guest speaker during the afternoon ranger program. The Bearded Man will be speaking about the habitat and mating rituals of the Mexican Jay, a bird he has studied in the wild for over 20 years. He was also asked to speak on the nesting qualities of the Black-tailed Gnatcatcher, but declined. After a brief late lunch, The Bearded Man will hit the 5.6 mile Window Trail, descending through Oak Creek Canyon, which highlights some of the finest panoramic desert vistas in the southwest. By the time he drags back to his cottage, The Bearded Man will be ready for dinner, a tub (who doesn't like a tub?) and a little more star gazing before packing it in for the evening. 

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Next stop is Guadalupe Mountains National Park, near the north Texas border with New Mexico. The Bearded Man is looking forward to stopping in Valentine, Texas, home of the 1932 earthquake that measured 5.8 on the Richter Scale, the largest earthquake ever recorded in Texas. We have no idea why this is of interest.

The Bearded Man leaves Florida for long drive to Hot Springs NP in Arkansas.

After spending five days in Florida's three National Parks, The Bearded Man sets off Saturday morning on one of the longest drives of his three month tour. Key West to Hot Springs is a 21-23 hour drive any way you slice it - and there are many, many ways to slice it. The Bearded Man has decided to break the 1,353 mile leg into a 3 day and 2 night tour of the deep south.  

Loaded up and packing a barrel of hot coffee, The Bearded Man will leave Key West tomorrow at 5:00 AM, headed for his evening layover at Grayton Beach State Park. Located in Santa Rosa, on Florida's Emerald Coast, The Bearded Man should blend right in to what's commonly referred to as 'a sophisticated and chic collection of waterfront communities'. On the way to Grayton, stops are planned for Orlando - to visit a friend at one of Disney's famed water parks - and Sawdust, Florida, which is famous for being 5,056 miles from The Vatican, something no other town in Florida can claim. 

After filling up on a blueberry smoothie and an applewood bacon, cheddar and egg roll-up from The Summer Kitchen Cafe in Rosemary Beach, The Bearded Man hits the road bright and early Sunday morning - Destination Tupelo, Mississippi. Mississippi. Mississippi. (I love spelling Mississippi.) Birthplace of The King. He of rock & roll and Cadillac fame. He of Viva Las Vegas and Ed Sullivan fame. Thank you....thank you very much.  Along the route to Tupelo, there will be stops in Half Chance, Alabama (trying to discover where the other half of a chance went) and Scooba, Mississippi, if only to see what a town named Scooba can possibly look like (it is completely under water and simply spelled incorrectly?)

Few people can transition so seamlessly from the sophisticated, chic of Saturday night in Santa Rosa to the Elvis Presley Lake and Campground in Tupelo on Sunday night. From stellar reviews in Grayton Beach, "Everything was clean and fresh. We felt comfortable, almost like being at home", to "Do Not Waste Your Time!!!!! This park was horrible!!!! Park is very poorly maintained. Bathrooms do not have any doors, toilet paper, soap dispensers or paper towels. The Campers ragged and appear to live there long term. We defiantly want be going back here unless it's just to put in boat to fish", posted lovingly by one D. Dunn. The Bearded Man is undeterred and is looking forward to meeting several down and out Elvis impersonators.  

Up and at em Monday morning for the last few hour drive to Arkansas's Hot Springs National Park, with only one brief stop in West Point, Mississippi along the way.  Never, ever to be confused with West Point, New York, this particular West Point is best known for The Howlin' Wolf Blues Museum and the annual Prairie Arts Festival, which used to include The Howlin' Wolf Blues Festival, but it's now called the Black Prairie Blues Festival. This year the festival will feature Stormy Monday, Lightnin' Malcolm and Jarekus Singleton. Tickets are $20 in advance or by telling anyone in West Point that you can spell Mississippi really fast.

Hot Springs National Park has a long and colorful history. American Indians came to Hot Springs for thousands of years to quarry novaculite to make tools and weapons. In 1804 the Dunbar-Hunter Expedition, sent by President Thomas Jeffereson, visited as past of an exploration of the southern reaches of the Louisiana Purchase. In the early 1800's, a,  town sprang up around the hot springs, in order to accommodate the many travelers who came to the area for their health, resulting in Hot Springs being known as the "American Spa".  To protect this unique national resource and preserve it for the use of the public, the Arkansas Territorial Legislature had requested in 1820 that the springs and adjoining mountains be set aside as a federal reservation (not to be confused with the Indian reservations being established around the same time). On April 20, 1832, President Andrew Jackson signed legislation to set aside "...four sections of land including said (hot) springs, reserved for the future disposal of the United States (which) shall not be entered, located, or appropriated, for any other purpose whatsoever." This makes Hot Springs National Park the oldest national park among current N. P. S. parks, predating Yellowstone National Park by forty years.  Click here for a detailed history of Hot Springs. https://www.nps.gov/hosp/learn/historyculture/index.htm 

Hot Springs National Park is in an urban area, surrounding the north end of the city of Hot Springs. The hot springs emerge along a fault on the western side of Hot Springs Mountain which is in the downtown area of the city of Hot Springs, Arkansas, commonly referred to as Bathhouse Row and the Grand Promenade.  To use the hot springs you must visit a bathhouse, which The Bearded Man will be doing, hoping they can help his back after spending many days in the driver's seat. 

The Bearded Man will be pitching his tent at the Gulpha Gorge Camp Ground, just off US Hwy 70B. He plans on hiking a stretch of the Goat Rock Trail, keeping a watchful eye for the last of the spring beebalm wildflowers and the many 400 pound black bears that roam the park. The Bearded Man would hate to have to hurt one of these mighty creatures should he find himself confronted. As a man trained in the fine art of "bear subdue technique' he is painfully aware of his power to do harm and chooses to use it wisely and sparingly. 

While at the park The Bearded Man will also visit the newly dedicated monument to Ranger James A. Carey, the first National Park Service Ranger killed in the line of duty.  

Bearded Man in route to florida's 3 national parks - Everglades, Biscayne and Dry Tortugas

The van is loaded, gassed up and heading down US 17, out of South Carolina and into the great state of Georgia. The Bearded Man will be stopping in Brunswick, Georgia to break his 10 hour trip to south Florida in half and pick up a few moon pies. According to the Brunswick Chamber of Commerce, "The vibrant city of Brunswick which rises along the southeastern coastline of Georgia is one of the most unique, historic and visually stunning places in the world." So those of you planning a trip to the south of France or Bora Bora perhaps...no need.  Just mosey on down to Brunswick, try the jerk shrimp tostadas with pineapple salsa at the Indigo Coastal Shanty on Reynolds Street and pocket the airfare.

The Florida Keys is one of the most famous and most visited archipelagos in the world. Contrary to what most people think however, the Florida Keys do not begin at Key Largo. To the north lie nearly 50 more keys (ancient coral reef islands) that are, for the most part, unspoiled and undeveloped. Part of that chain, located just miles from Miami is Biscayne National Park.  Protecting a rare combination of aquamarine waters, emerald islands, and fish-bejeweled coral reefs, Biscayne NP, which is 95% water, also holds evidence of 10,000 years of human history, from pirates and shipwrecks to pineapple farmers and presidents. The park is home to many threatened and endangered species including the West Indian manatee, eastern indigo snake, piping plover, American crocodile, peregrine falcon, Schaus' swallowtail butterfly, least tern, and 5 species of sea turtle. Here is a link that details Biscayne's efforts to preserve the sea turtle.  https://www.nps.gov/bisc/learn/nature/sea-turtle-information-and-conservation.htm

While at Biscayne, The Bearded Man will be camping on Boca Chita Key, one of the most unique campgrounds in the National Park system, with views of the bay, ocean and its signature lighthouse.  He will be joined on the key by 100,000,000,000,000,000 mosquitoes.

Tuesday morning The Bearded Man will make the short one hour drive across state highway 9336 to Flamingo Campground in Everglades National Park.  Essentially a big open field with few trees and strong breezes coming in from Florida Bay, Flamingo will serve as his home base. The Bearded Man will spend Tuesday and Wednesday morning exploring the park via kayak. With ample opportunity to see crocodiles, manatees and the occasional tree climbing grey fox, Everglades is a paradise of wildlife.  Unfortunately some of the park's indigenous wildlife is endangered, but there are several concerted efforts to reverse this trend.  Here is a link to a list of Everglades threatened and endangered species.  https://www.nps.gov/ever/learn/nature/techecklist.htm

Everglades National Park was the first national park dedicated for its biologic diversity as opposed to its scenic vistas. Therefore, it is no surprise that when one thinks of scenic vistas in national parks, the flat-lands of Everglades does not exactly spring to mind.  To help overcome this, Everglades built the Shark Valley Observation Tower, which gives visitors a panoramic 360-degree views of the River of Grass.  The Pahayokee Overlook also provides views of sweeping vistas and as an added bonus you can push a button and hear the echolocation calls of the Seminole bat.  Many visitors think it sounds better than Kanye without auto-tune. 

Wednesday afternoon, The Bearded Man heads back across Hwy 9336 to Homestead, before turning southwest on Route 1 toward Key West.  He will spend the night in Truman Annex - looking out at Ft. Zachery Beach - before boarding a seaplane Thursday morning for the 70 mile jump to Garden Key and our most inaccessible National Park, Dry Tortugas.  

Located in the Florida Straights that connect the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean, the Dry Tortugas were discovered by Juan Ponce de Leon in 1513 and is home to countless shipwrecks.  In 1822, the United States began plans for a large coastal fort and in 1847 construction of Fort Jefferson began on Garden Key.  Although never finished, it continued in use as a military prison during the Civil War and afterward until 1874.  It remains one of the largest 19th century American masonry coastal forts and is the focal point of Dry Tortugas NP.

The Bearded Man, an avid birdwatcher, is hoping to see a brown or black noddie, a frigatebird, or perhaps a sooty tern.  Most nest along the beaches of nearby Bush Key, but birders with binoculars or spotting scopes can watch the nesting activity from Fort Jefferson.  The Bearded Man has packed both binoculars and a spotting scope, not to mention a spare false eye.  He is truly, The World's Second Most Interesting Man.

Bearded Man heading to south carolina's congaree national park

After two glorious days in the Smokies, The Bearded Man is making the short three hour trip southeast to Congaree NP, where he will be camping at the Longleaf Campground.  Congaree Swamp National Monument was established by Congress in 1976 and was designated an International Biosphere Reserve on June 30, 1983.  In July of 2001 it was designated a Globally Important Bird Area, and on November 10, 2003 it was designated as the nation's 57th National Park.

Today's journey will take him through Prosperity, South Carolina, which was known as Frog Level prior to 1873. How a town goes from the name Frog Level to Prosperity is anyone's guess, but I'm betting it had something to do with alcohol.  

During his planned two day stay at Congaree, The Bearded Man has a full slate of activities planned, including hiking the 11 mile Kingsnake Trail and canoeing a stretch of Cedar Creek.  He has also been asked to participate as a guest lecturer on the subject of indigenous trees of the Congaree floodplain, a topic on which The Bearded Man is widely considered an expert.  This particular lecture will center on the Sycamore, Bald Cypress and Water Tupelo species.  He assures us that he packed several clean white t-shirts for his speaking engagements.  

bearded man arrives at great smoky mountains National Park

After leaving Mammoth Cave on Sunday, The Bearded Man made the 4 hour drive SE to Great Smoky Mountain National Park.  On his way down he stopped in the town of Eighty Eight, Kentucky.  Famous for one day each 100 years (8.8.88), the town's entire population of 87 turned out to greet The Bearded Man.  He was presented with a key to the city, several 8-track tapes and a case of Ale 8. 

The Bearded Man will be staying at the LeConte Lodge, which sits atop Mt. LeConte, the park's third highest peak, at an elevation of 6,593 feet.  The lodge is only accessible by foot, requiring a 5 to 8 mile hike, depending on the route.  The Bearded Man has hired two displaced Sherpas to assist him in bringing his gear from the VW bus to the lodge. 

During The Bearded Man's two day visit, his planned activities include trout fishing a portion of the 2,900 miles of streams that protect one of the last wild trout habitats in the eastern United States.  He has also been asked to host the Tuesday night hayride through Cades Cove, an honor previously only given to park alumni Smokey and Yogi Bear.

On the road to Mammoth Cave NP with the bearded man

The VW van is gassed up and The Bearded Man is four hours into his eight hour drive from Shenandoah NP in Virginia, to Mammoth Cave NP, Kentucky - Where horses, bourbon and basketball form a three-headed king.  Kentucky is also home to over two million people with two first names.     

The first human entered Mammoth Cave about 4,000 years ago (this according to William Shatner who actually witnessed the event).  Since then millions of visitors have been humbled by the strange beauty of Cathedral Domes, Cedar Sink and the majestic uncut forests of Big Woods. The Bearded Man - a wildlife enthusiast and generous man - has been informed that the park is home to several flying squirrels.  He will be stopping in Lexington, Kentucky to purchase 12 pair of tiny goggles as a gesture of friendship.     

Bearded Man Heading to Virginia's Shenandoah National Park

After two days in Ohio's Cuyahoga Valley, The Bearded Man hit the road for his 325 mile drive SE to Shenandoah Valley NP in wonderful West Virginia.  He has a spot reserved in Loft Mountain campground atop Big Flat Mountain, where he can park the VW bus, relax and enjoy the beautiful views.  Early Monday, The Bearded man will hit the trails in search of the waterfalls of Big Run Wilderness.  

So far The Bearded Man has received requests from several forest creatures to have their photo taken with him. Among them - Richard the bobcat (leader of the widely feared bobcat gang), Manny the mole (who actually has a mole) and Thin Lips the coyote (no idea where he acquired the name).  Bobby the big brown bat sent his regrets - he claims to have bitten someone from Cleveland last month and has been feeling nauseous ever since.  Get well soon Bobby.

The Bearded Man Visits Cuyahoga Valley - Our Newest National Park

After a 924 mile drive from Acadia (14 hours and 23 minutes with only three pee stops), The Bearded Man arrived at Cuyahoga Valley, Ohio's only National Park and our newest (designated as NP in 2000).  The area from Sandusky Bay to Cleveland is described by Native Americans as "Kahyonhá:ke," which means "on the river" or "at the river" in Mohawk.  The Bearded Man was greeted by several park rangers,  a pied-billed grebe and a small family of skunks seeking autographs. 

Please Note:  The Bearded Man is not a fan of Buckeye football and would like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance for their upcoming dismal season this fall.  

The Bearded Man In Acadia National Park

The Bearded Man arrived at Acadia National Park in Maine today, the first stop on his summer tour of all 58 National Parks.  Your summer challenge is to spot The Bearded Man – at Acadia or wherever he may be - take his photo and DM us on Twitter or Instagram @TheMountCo or email us at Braden@TheMountCo.com.  All photos will be published on TheMountCo.com and at the end of his tour, one lucky photographer will win $200 of MountCo gear, a case of moon pies and an original hubcap from The Bearded Man’s VW bus.  So hop to it – chop, chop – get a shot of The Bearded Man and win.  Immortality – and moon pies – await!